Thanksgiving with family is great until someone starts talking politics. Let’s avoid that, shall we?
Here we are, less than a week before Thanksgiving, and this year everyone’s coming to your house. Sounds fun, doesn’t it, doing all that cooking, seeing the nieces and nephews, listening to Uncle Bud talk about SEC football while Grandma Marian goes on about her hip replacement surgery? I bet you can hardly wait for everyone to get there. This is when families are at their most fun. Cousins who haven’t seen each other in a year playing in the yard, brothers and sisters reminiscing about when they were kids, and more food than anyone ever needs to eat. I remember those Thanksgivings nostalgically, though we’ve not actually had one in several years.
The problem with Thanksgiving, or any family get-together, comes when someone says something, perhaps innocently, that reveals a political rift within the family. Almost every family has someone who doesn’t agree with the majority opinion. If they decide that someone’s statement is offensive to them, then the arguments begin and it doesn’t matter how good the turkey was, all anyone remembers is the year Uncle Bud bashed Aunt Noreen in the head with that lamp. I’m the liberal in a family of conservatives so I just avoid family Thanksgiving down in Wichita. I’m sure we’re all happier that way.
Not everyone shows such discretion, however, and if your family is one of those whose Thanksgivings turn into an annual knock-down, drag-out, pay-per-view event live streamed by the teenaged cousins, we’re here to help. Never mind that the first Thanksgiving almost certainly wasn’t a religious event and was probably more of a harvest festival. Ignore the fact that the alleged friendliness of the Pilgrims was little more than a prelude to murder. Let those discussions happen elsewhere. What matters is that you and your house survive Thanksgiving intact.
Preparing Your Home
Distraction is the name of the game in a politics-free Thanksgiving. What is important is that you remove as many possible reminders of the presidential election as possible. Tempers are still short. Feelings are still hurt. Forks are a weapon. So, start wth the simple things such as removing any political signs from your yard, especially if your side won. No one likes it when the other side gloats. They’ll be in a bad mood before they get out of the car if they see a Trump or Clinton sign in your yard. Instead, just don’t rake the leaves. The kids will enjoy playing in them and the adults will either reminisce about how they used to do the same, or gripe about how you’re a bad neighbor for not taking care of your lawn. Either way, it’s not politics. You’re winning so far.
Next, hide anything of value and do NOT light candles for any reason whatsoever. What you want to avoid is giving anyone an easy weapon. Rather than using the fine china handed down from your great-great-grandmother, use paper plates. By all means, use plastic utensils rather than the silverware that’s been in the family for generations. You certainly don’t want to risk Aunt Josephine’s hair getting too close to an open flame, either. The woman uses a full can of Aqua-Net on that beehive of judgment. One little spark and she’s the flambé. This, of course, will get your relatives talking about the fact you wouldn’t let them use the family relics and that your house smells like dog poop. Again, better than politics.
Worst-case-scenario, should you get wind that Uncle Bud just can’t wait to light into his Hillary-supporting sister-in-law, you can take preventative measures by connecting a small electrical charge to the doorknob on the front door. The relatives you like can be told to use the backdoor. Everyone else gets a shocking greeting. Don’t make the shock too hard, mind you. You don’t want to spend the day at the hospital after Grandma’s pacemaker gives her an unexpected jolt. Just make it enough to hurt like fucking hell and send a clear message that their hate is not wanted in your house. They’ll be talking about you for years.
Prepare Yourself
I’ve always been an advocate of attending family events naked. This is especially true if you’re male because, no matter how good you look, no one in your family wants to see that. Open the door in your birthday suit and watch how quickly everyone suddenly remembers that they promised to spend this Thanksgiving with the other side of the family. The only problem with this approach is that Thanksgiving day often turns out to be on the chilly side. While one can turn up the heat to a comfortable temperature inside, the frequent blasts of cold air that come with greeting your guests is going to make matters all the more uncomfortable for everyone.
An alternative to being naked would be to dress otherwise inappropriately. Pajamas come to mind, especially the kind with feet in them. Dress your entire immediate family that way so that when extended family arrives they think they missed an email or something, which is probably cousin Jennifer’s fault because she always was a stuck-up sort of brat who never let anyone play with her dolls. No pajamas? Go with something sheer or low-cut, something that shows some side boob. Again, this is much more effective if one is male. If you’re female it just makes cousin Horace’s drooling problem that much worse.
Hair and makeup also come into play here. Specifically, if you’re female don’t wear any and, by all means, don’t bother brushing your hair. You want everyone to know how hard you’ve been slaving over this dinner, staying up late to bake pies every night this week, and wrestling with those homemade rolls. Just make sure you’ve hidden all the boxes from the store before you do so. If you’re male, though, you need to go the opposite direction. Open the door with a full face of makeup AND a full beard and everyone immediately forgets that there even was an election this year. Arguably, one has to have a rather thick skin to actually use any of these tactics. Family is going to be telling stories about you for generations. It’s worth it, though, to avoid the uncivil political discussions that tear a family apart.
Prepare Your Food
Everyone shows up for Thanksgiving expecting the regular menu, which Uncle Bob is sure was ordained by God and handed down from the Pilgrims themselves. There has to be roast turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, homemade rolls, cranberry sauce, and enough green bean casserole to last until Christmas. This is what they’re expecting when they come to your house. This, however, is not what you’re going to give them. Trust me, altering the menu is the quickest and easiest way to direct the conversation away from politics and toward the food.
What’s critical here, though, is that the food has to actually be good. If you’re going to go altering the same Thanksgiving menu the family has had since great-grandma crossed the plains in her bare feet, you have to get it right. Consider trying a Moroccan-Spiced Turkey with Aromatic Orange Pan Jus instead of the traditional shove-it-in-the-oven-and-pray turkey. This blend of spices is going to catch everyone by surprise and leaves a pleasant yet lively taste in your mouth. Then, to really throw everyone off, replace the green bean casserole of death with something like Quinoa Salad with Pistachios and Currants or maybe even Whole Roasted Carrots with Black Lentils and Green Harissa. In place of all those starchy potatoes that no one really needs, try Honey-Roasted Butternut Squash or Acorn Squash with Pomegranate and Kale Tabbouleh. Top all that with something along the lines of Grapefruit Granita with Pear-and-Pom Relish and Cherry-Port Cranberry Sauce and tongues should be wagging when their mouths aren’t full.
Disclaimer: I haven’t actually tried any of those recipes. There will only be five of us at our Thanksgiving dinner and two of those are well-indoctrinated children. I did look over all the recipes, though, and don’t find anything that seems horribly unrealistic, depending upon one’s personal tastes. I may try something along the lines of the Moroccan-spaced turkey and honey-roasted butternut squash just sounds amazing. No one here is going to be upset about messing with any tradition, though.
I also heartily recommend spiking everything possible. The punch. The tea. The coffee. The cranberry sauce. Getting everyone a little bit tipsy without getting them quite drunk puts everyone more at ease, especially if your family doesn’t normally drink. Then, in states where it is legal, adding a fair amount of a certain green herb to your dishes is not a bad idea, either. No one is going to argue if they’re all passed out on the couch. Mind you, we’re not advocating anyone break any laws (much), but if you live in Colorado, Washington, Oregon, California, or some other weed-friendly locale, you can find some herb-based recipes here.
We all know the holidays are stressful and arguments about politics just make everything that much worse. When you’re the one hosting, it’s not like you can gather up the kids and just leave when matters get heated. So, take my advice and prepare for a holiday where there is so many other things to talk about that no one gives a second thought to politics.
You’re welcome.
5 Questions You Should Be Asking
Is unifying behind the president-elect something you can morally and ethically justify? Ask yourself these questions.
I was chided by an acquaintance yesterday, someone who does not know me well at all, because my frequent use of the hashtag #NotMyPresident is not unifying. She is of the opinion that, with the election being over, we should all put aside our differences in the name of unity. She finds my unwillingness to do so to be shameful, despite the fact we agree on the issues over which I find myself unable to support the new administration.
Let me be clear that I do not, at this point, condone the many street protests that are taking place, either. The violence that occurred overnight in Portland, Oregon is especially inappropriate and unhelpful to any meaningful actions that might need to be taken. The president-elect, as unsavory as his election might be to millions of us, has not actually done anything yet that carries any substantial power. One of the reasons mainstream Republicans had difficulty supporting their nominee was because he has a long and well-documented history of saying one thing and doing exactly the opposite. Until he proposes offensive rights-limiting legislation or, after being sworn in, commits acts of hate, street protests are meaningless and lack any authority.
However, that does not mean that unity behind this new administration is an option, either. For those who are considering abandoning their morals and ethics for the sake of unifying behind a president-elect who can’t be trusted, we strongly suggest you ask yourself these five questions.
1. Do you support sexual assault against women, diminishing the severity of rape, and perpetuating a culture of violence against women?
Despite having won the election, the president-elect is still scheduled to go on trial December 16 for the alleged rape of a 13-year-old girl. Let that sink in for a moment. While any rape is horrible, we’re talking about a 13-year-old. This is the shamefulness of the person who was elected president. To support him is to support his actions. Anyone who unifies behind this man is saying to all the little girls in the United States, “Hey, rape isn’t really all that bad.”
In addition to the rape charges, the president-elect is also facing numerous allegations of sexual assault. His response to those allegations was that he would sue the women making such statements once he is sworn in. Do you support victim blaming? You do if you plan on unifying behind this president.
The president-elect has an extremely misogynistic attitude toward women as demonstrated by his conversations not only during the campaign but across most of his public life. When Fox News anchor Megan Kelly questioned the nominee about his behavior, he called Kelly a “bimbo” among other things. His long history of insulting women is well documented and inexcusable.
Apparently, those facts don’t bother some people. If your morality and ethics are such that you can excuse and tolerate someone whose words and actions are actively and consistently anti-women, then you have elected someone who shares those values. For the rest of us, though, this is a disqualifier. We cannot and will not support anyone who does not treat women as equals for any reason. Therefore, we cannot and will not unify behind the president-elect.
2. Do you support the mistreatment, registration, and deportation of people based upon their religious beliefs?
In a November 10, 2015 article, the New York Times reported that the then-candidate for president supported registration for all Muslims who reside in the United States. When asked how that different from Nazi registration of the Jews prior to the Holocaust, the candidate’s reply was, “You tell me.” He has also stated, in multiple interviews, that, “We’re going to have to look at a lot of things very closely. We’re going to have to look at the mosques. We’re going to have to look very, very carefully.” As a candidate, the now president-elect has been extremely harsh in his words about Muslims, including the possibility of an open ban on any Muslims immigrating or even flying into the United States.
This rhetoric and attitude have had a devastating effect since the election. Repeatedly, Muslim women have reported having their hijabs yanked off their heads in public. American Muslims, people who were born and raised here just like the rest of us, no longer feel safe. Some of the most devout have even warned other women to not wear their hijabs for fear of violence against them. The hate perpetuated by the president-elect is very real.
Unifying behind this president-elect is showing support for this kind of hate, disregard for the religious freedoms of the First Amendment, and bigotry toward people simply based on their religion. Can you imagine the backlash that would happen if the same statements were made against Southern Baptists? Muslims have the exact same rights as Baptists, Catholics, Lutherans, and every other religion in the United States. If you can’t deal with that, you need to find somewhere else to live. We’re not going to tolerate such hate toward our Muslim friends.
3. Do you support the denial of basic civil rights, including the right to marry, based on one’s sexual identity?
Blame the vice president-elect for this one. As Governor of Indiana, he attempted to enact one of the most egregious and damaging anti-LGBTQ laws in the country. Hoosiers immediately revolted with industry from all over the world showing support by removing their business and conventions from the state. The then-Governor was forced to back down and amend the law to protect everyone regardless of sexuality. However, as vice president-elect, he has made it very clear that this administration “will be anti-LGBTQ and anti-women.”
Once again, it is the attitude of the incoming administration that is setting off real violence in the streets. Tuesday evening, a Calgary film producer visiting Santa Monica, California, was beaten to a bloody pulp for being gay by supporters of the president-elect. Is this how it is going to be? Does anyone actually think we are making America great with this sort of behavior?
Our LGBTQ friends have made some great strides in terms of establishing their rights as citizens over the past eight years. Now, all those rights appear to be in jeopardy under this new administration with the vice-president leading the attack. There is no way anyone of reasonable mind can unify behind a government that fails to condemn hate and is threatening to remove the rights of people based upon their sexuality. We are morally and ethically required to fight against any such activity.
4.Can you support a president who shows complete disdain and disrespect for people of color?
Someone apparently failed to tell the president-elect that white people no longer make up a majority of the U. S. population. Here are just a sampling of his documented statements about people of color:
“Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.” (source)
“Laziness is a trait in blacks.” (source)
“And if you look at black and African American youth, to a point where they’ve never done more poorly. There’s no spirit.” (source)
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists, and some, I assume, are good people.” (source)
The list could go on and on for days. The fact is that if you’re not as pasty white as he is, the president-elect has no respect for you. None. In fact, one of his primary goals within his first 100 days is to enact legislation that would provide inner-city police more powerful weapons in dealing with alleged crime and violence in urban neighborhoods. If you thought police violence against people of color was bad before, it could get a lot worse under this administration.
“Black Lives Matter” is not an opinion. We cannot unify behind a president who does not protect the best interests of people of color, who does not respect their lives and their contributions to the fabric of our country.
5. Do you support the denial of health and reproductive rights to women?
We’ve already established that this administration is anti-women, but what matters now is that the entire political structure in Washington is ready to wage a full-scale war against women. Over the past six years, the Republican-controlled Congress has tried repeatedly to limit, freeze, or completely destroy funding for women’s healthcare, especially when that healthcare involves a matter of choice. With the election of this new president, all legislative roadblocks that prevented Congress from achieving their evil plans are removed. Women across the United States are in grave danger.
Healthcare is a tremendously serious issue for women, especially when it comes to pregnancy and child care. Thanks to increased insurance coverage and support for non-profits such as Planned Parenthood, the United State’s unreasonable high rate of infant mortality has gone down in recent years. Make no mistake, however, that should the funding for those programs be removed, which would happen if both the president-elect and Republican-controlled Congress get their way, those deadly numbers would once again skyrocket. More women would die in childbirth. More women would have unplanned pregnancies. More babies would die from disease and distress before they are one year old. More women would die of cancer because they wouldn’t have access to early treatment programs. The devastation across our country would be severe.
I understand that not everyone agrees on a woman’s right to choose. Most of those who fail to agree on that topic, however, are men, who have no right to even have a voice in the conversation. Women alone should be in control of their bodies. Government has no business telling them what to do and men, especially, have to business trying to force women to do what they’re told. To remove funding for women’s healthcare is a form of legislative rape. Congress has already proven its willingness to commit, if not outright fondness for rape against women’s rights. Now, they have a president willing to sign that legislation into law.
I cannot fathom how any person with the ability to reason above the level of a six-year-old can support or unify behind such intent. To unify behind the president-elect on this issue is to stand up and tell the world that you hate women. There is no excuse. There can be no tolerance. We cannot unify behind such policies and we must do everything in our power to keep them from becoming law.
I could take this list on and on forever, but I don’t have time to type it all and you probably wouldn’t read the whole thing if I did. Five questions are sufficient enough for anyone to decide whether or not they can morally and ethically justify unifying behind this president-elect. I know I can’t. On each of these issues and more I plan on remaining very diligent, very vocal, and very adamant about stopping any moves on the part of this new administration that in any way threatens my family, my friends, or my freedom of expression. As long as the threat remains, there can be no unity.
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