I’m totally convinced I can write the perfect pop song. —Moon Unit Zappa

Can there ever really be such a thing as the perfect song? We’ve not found it … yet.

I’m too cheap to pay for premium music streaming, so I get commercials every few minutes. I really don’t mind, for the most part, and have even found one or two almost useful. What makes me giggle, though, is when Spotify tries to sell me on their “Perfect Song.” concept. No, they don’t actually have a playlist by that name. What they’re inferring is that by using their premium service you can play the perfect song for a particular situation no matter where you are. You choose the song and play it from whatever device, thanks to Spotify Premium downloading it to your device.

Music is incredibly subjective. You know as well as I do that what might be perfect for one person in one given situation can be totally inappropriate for someone else. No one who knows music at all is crazy enough to claim that one song is the perfect song. We know better.

However, there are situations for which certain kinds of music are better than others. While I’ll stop short of claiming that any of these are perfect, they’re certainly worthy of your consideration. Oh yes, I should warn you that our sarcastic sense of humor came into play on some of these.

Best Workout/Exercise Songs

• Gonna Fly Now, Bill Conti
• I stand Alone, Godsmack
• We Own It, 2 Chainz, Wiz Kalifa
• Still Swingin’, Papa Roach
• All I Do Is Win, DJ Khaled
• Faint, Linkin Park

Yeah, I know some of you need a longer list, but by the time we make it to the end of Faint we’re usually ready to do just that. 20 minutes is about all we can handle.

Best Driving Songs

• Born To Be Wild, Steppenwolf
• Listen To The Music, The Doobie Brothers
• Hotel California, Eagles
• Running On Empty, Jackson Browne
• Marakesh Express, Crosby, Stills, And Nash
• Big Yellow Taxi, Joni Mitchell

Maybe the list isn’t long enough for a whole road trip, but it should get you across town without swearing at everyone else on the road.

Best Songs For In The Kitchen

• Dreams, Fleetwood Mac
• The Very Thought Of You, Frank Sinatra
• Soul Serenade, Aretha Franklin
• Do You Want To Dance, Bette Midler
• 3 Things, Jason Mraz
• Sunrise, Norah Jones

It’s a certain groove when we’re cooking, whether breakfast or a fancy dinner. Okay, so you might have to hit repeat of the meal is really involved.

Best Dance Songs (Especially if no one’s looking)

• PYT, Michael Jackson
• Let’s Dance, David Bowie
• In Da Club, 50 Cent
• Yeah!, Usher, Lil Jon, Ludacris
• The Way You Move, OutKast, Sleepy Brown
• Buttons, The Pussycat Dolls

We turn our lights off when we dance. It’s better that way.

Best Funeral Songs

(just kidding)

Best Coffee Break Songs

• Carolina In My Mind, James Taylor
• You’ve Got A Friend, Carole King
• Leaving On A Jetplane, Peter, Paul and Mary
• Baby I’m-A Want You, Bread
• Linger, The Cranberries
• For What It’s Worth, Buffalo Springfield

I don’t dare make this list any longer or we’ll never get back to work.

Best Songs for Sexy Time

• You Sexy Thing, Hot Chocolate
• Ain’t Nobody, Chaka Kahn
• S&M, Rihanna
• Bump ‘n Grind, R. Kelly
• Justify My Love, Madonna
• Need You Tonight, INXS

I realize that list is wayyyy too long for some of you, but our whole list would have just been discouraging for mere mortals

Best Songs for Passing Out

• Street Spirit, Radiohead
• Come Undone, Duran Duran
• Dust In The Wind, Kansas
• Tiny Dancer, Elton John
• Hazard, Richard Marx
• Lovesong, The Cure

That should be enough to get you through most of your day. The whole list is a little over two-and-a-half hours, so you’ll want to spread it out a bit, but I think we’ve hit the most important times. For your convenience, we’ve compiled them all into a single playlist for you here. Have fun!