Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. —Mark Twain
Concepts of Heaven and who gets in are quite subjective. Tossing belief systems aside, why would you not get in?
Having been raised in a Southern baptist church, concepts of Heaven and Hell were burned into my mind, or sometimes, the seat of my pants. Poppa would pull out the fire and brimstone about once a year; that was about all he could muster because he really wasn’t that kind of preacher. Heaven was a more frequent topic, and one much easier for him to discuss, but there was always that uncomfortable balance of not making everyone suicidal in their desire to get there. He was careful to not make Heaven sound so wonderful that someone might want to organize a bus trip right then and there.
Most every religion has its concept of some form of paradise in the afterlife. For some it is achieving a total state of Nirvana, for others it is becoming god of one’s own planet. There are mythologies by the hundreds and each has some form of immortal existence divided subjectively either between the good and the bad, or the believers and the heathen infidels. Those who are rooted firm in their faith are adamant that they’re going to the place of the divine and the rest of us are not.
But if we miss heaven, or paradise, or Nirvana, or whatever, it is not without cause; there has to be a reason. Even though the rules are highly subjective, again, based on one’s belief system, there are reasons one might not make it through those pearly gates. When I saw this morning that #WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven was trending on Twitter, I just couldn’t resist seeing what wonderful excuses people had created for failing to meet St. Peter. Here are just a few samples:
I couldn’t pay my exorcist…
So, I was re-posessed. #WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven— Mark J Leathers (@Mark_Leathers) March 13, 2016
Look. They love me in heaven. That I can tell you. I’m going to make Heaven great again. #WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven pic.twitter.com/EN3lTvMY4E
— Carol (@aka_tahto) March 13, 2016
I made a stupid bet for a fiddle of gold against my soul. I overestimated my ability to play the fiddle. #WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven
— Truth B Told (@TheLordHasSpoke) March 13, 2016
I’m stuck minding the gate #WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven pic.twitter.com/efhUJMtIJk
— St Peter (@stpeteyontweety) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven I was pleading my case to St. Peter and Kanye interrupted me. #True @mentalerase @she_nutt @nta71 @The_FeakersBall
— The Hashtag Game (@TheHashtagGame) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven I didn’t like Jesus’s Facebook post. @The_FeakersBall pic.twitter.com/sONvtW7cjt
— CK (@charley_ck14) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven was on my way and used Apple maps now I’m in Oklahoma.
— clever pun (@ThatRainbowCat) March 13, 2016
(You might have to be as old as me to get that one)
They set the clocks forward and I missed orientation. #WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven
— Johanna (@artistsreward) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven it was privatized and I was denied coverage for pre-existing sins
— Wes Strickland (@wwwess) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven i’m supposed to be able to explain that in 140 characters or less?! (*^_^*)
— hbd chick (@hbdchick) March 13, 2016
That’s just a brief sample. As one might expect, there are some that are too profane even for my taste, and there are more than a few quoting Bible verses or sections of the Qu’ran or questioning the very existance of such a place. Those are the folks who don’t get the humor in a hashtag game such as this. The whole point is to momentarily toss theology in the garbage and not take ourselve, nor our religion, quite so seriously. No serious disrespect is meant, we’re just poking a little fun at mythologies whose subjectivity can be so incredibly broad and open to interpretation.
So, what would my reasons be for #WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven? Some of the best excuses have been taken already, but we did come up with a few reasons. How could we not?
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven – I “Had A Little Talk With Jesus” and it didn’t go so well
— charles i. letbetter (@charlesletbette) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven – They sang “Shall We Gather At The River” & I wasn’t sure if they meant Jordan or Styx
— charles i. letbetter (@charlesletbette) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven – Missed the train bound for glory while waiting on the old gospel ship
— charles i. letbetter (@charlesletbette) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven – They wouldn’t let me wear black. I mean, have you SEEN my wardrobe?
— charles i. letbetter (@charlesletbette) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven – tripped, fell down the stairway, and couldn’t get back up. Apparently Heaven doesn’t have Life Alert.
— charles i. letbetter (@charlesletbette) March 13, 2016
#WhyIDidntGetIntoHeaven – I love you too much to go someplace without you
— charles i. letbetter (@charlesletbette) March 13, 2016
I should probably include something about the pictures at the top of this page, too, but that doesn’t make as much sense when one is reading from Twitter.
Again, this is just fun. If you didn’t check your self-rightesousness at the door I really have to question why you bothered reading at all.
Oh, and what was I listening to while writing this? You know my habit. After all, it is Sunday.
Your First Day In Heaven
Your First Day In Heaven, a song by Jack Toney on Spotify
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