My favorite thing of all time is a New York City weekend when there’s a blizzard. Everything gets really quiet, and everyone goes to the movies and the park.—Idina Menzel
This has been a crazy weekend, has it not? New York is reporting 26.8 inches of snow, officially; the second largest snowfall since 1869. The #JonasBlizzard logged the most snow ever in Baltimore, second heaviest at Dulles International Airport. In keeping with tradition, no one knows exactly how much snow fell in Washington, D.C., because they’re still arguing over how to measure the white stuff. The good news is that at least the snow has stopped falling. The bad news is that now comes the problem of getting rid of the frozen wonderland. Flooding has already started in New Jersey and several other areas. It could still be several days before the majority of roads are passable and people’s lives are back to normal.
Of course, as Idina mentions above, a little snow doesn’t stop New Yorkers. By the time you’re reading this, New York’s travel ban should be lifted and people will be getting out, making their way to Central Park, and trying to make the best of the situation. Aged rock star Steven Tyler even found a CNN live report to bomb, which may actually be one of the most interesting things to happen in the past 24 hours.
One of the biggest challenges now is avoiding bad sex and keeping yourself from participating in the seemingly inevitable spike in births currently scheduled for late September. Sure, I know we told you to make new friends to help keep you warm, but do you really want these people to hang around all summer, smelling things up, putting their stinky feet on your coffee table, and taking over your life in ways you never imagined? No, of course you don’t. The last thing you want is to encourage your blizzard buddies to linger by having sex with them. Even worse, you definitely don’t want to have bad sex with them and chances are high that any sex you would have at this juncture would not be the best ever. Let’s not make this blizzard any more of a disaster than it already is, okay?
Don’t worry, we’ve got your back, metaphorically speaking. Here are some tips you can use to avoid having bad blizzard sex.
- Don’t. Just don’t. For the love of warm bagels and cream cheese, show some restraint for once why don’t you? Do you really want to risk going into the fall with a newborn, or a partner that acts like one? Having sex with someone you didn’t know well before the blizzard destroys any chance for you to have a long and meaningful friendship. Two days in the snow is not enough time for you to really get to know each other, no matter how many secrets you spilled after you were three beers into Friday night. Don’t go there. Don’t. Stop it. Don’t even entertain the idea.
- Stay ready for further emergencies. Just because the snow has stopped falling doesn’t mean the worst of this blizzard is over. There will be flooding. Power outages may still happen. You might need to evacuate quickly and without warning. Stop and think for a minute: do you really want to be handcuffed to that person if the power goes out? Would you want first responders breaking down your door and finding you struggling to get back into your footed pajamas? No, that isn’t a risk you dare take. You must remain alert and vigilant until your guest(s) leaves.
- Keep all your adult toys well hidden. Despite the weel-long warnings that this was going to be a “blizzard for the ages,” no one really prepared for the thing until late Thursday afternoon. You may not have picked up your stray friend until Friday. Nothing says bad sex like someone discovering your box of sexual indulgences and asking, “What are these?” Even worse is the question, “Can you show me how these work?” Now is not the time for you to take up teaching remedial sex education. Should your temporary body heat buddy come across your stash, pretend they were left by a former roommate and then, for added measure, suggest they could be covered with some STI. That should keep you safe.
- Use Netflix to determine their sexual maturity. This one might be a bit complicated for some of you, so pay attention. From within Netflix, enter category number 1402, which takes you to Late Night Comedies. Be sure, there is nothing here that is socially redeemable or actually funny. These are disastrous films made for adolescent minds. So, as you’re scrolling through the list, should your would-be partner give any indication that they’ve not only seen but actually enjoyed any of these movies, you definitely don’t want to have sex with them. If you are unsure, start one of the movies. If they giggle at the first sight of bare boobs, you know you’re in trouble. Kick them out into the snow. Now.
- Go for a walk in the snow. This is the real reason you find all those people in Central Park after the city gets socked in. You’ve been cooped up with this person (or these people) since Thursday or Friday. Your decision-making ability is not as strong as it should be. Get out, taking a walk, cool down. The cold air will help you snap to your senses and remind you of all the things that could go wrong if you have sex with this person. Can they even tell the difference between a tube of lube and a tube of toothpaste? What would happen if you had to introduce this person to your mother? Walking in the snow is great for clearing your head, and if you’re lucky maybe the dimwit will get lost in a snowbank and you won’t need to worry any further.
Hopefully, that is enough to engage your creative juices, as opposed to those associated with adult copulation. Obviously, if you are sequestered with someone you already love and cherish, nothing here applies. We still encourage restraint unless you really want a September baby. Maybe you’ll get lucky and your Ob/Gyn will have a half-price sale due to all the volume. One thing for sure, though, is that sex with someone you just brought in from the cold is definitely not going to be good. What happens in your fantasies doesn’t exist in real life.
Perhaps it’s time to warm up another frozen pizza. Good luck.