Your Crackers

I am obligated to address the grammarians among my friends and readers who are at this moment questioning whether I have made a mistake in the title of this entry. No, I have not. The intention here is to reflect the possessive in that it is my intention to discuss the crackers that you own. Therefore, they are your crackers. Now, notwithstanding, you may  very well be somewhat daft and/or loopy also, in which case I might tell your nurse that you’re crackers and I’ve no doubt she would readily agree with me since she has to put up with your cantankerous old ass on a daily basis.  Behave yourself and take your medicine; I almost know what I’m doing.

Crackers may well be one of the oldest forms of prepared food known to humanity. After all, it doesn’t really take much to make them. A little flour, a little water, at minimum; maybe a little salt, possibly a little baking powder if that’s not against one’s religious convictions, is all one needs to make crackers. Those ingredients have been around for thousands of years, and to a large extent the recipes haven’t changed all that much, though one might argue that the base ingredients have evolved along with us. One might argue whether humans or the grains have survived that evolution well, but both of us are still here and crackers are still just as much a staple of the modern diet as they were for our ancestors. Some things just can’t really be improved upon all that much.

Among all the various types of crackers available in the universe, saltines may be the most prevalent. Not only are they simple, they are inexpensive which puts them in high demand among the 98 percent of us who actually have to pay attention to the price of food. They provide accompaniment to everything from simple soups to fancy hors d’Oeuvres without risking upsetting anyone’s stomach. One can even purchase low-sodium saltines, which seems rather counter-intuitive at first, but since I’ve become one of the millions who has to watch their blood pressure I understand the concern over what a little salt can do to a body. My personal preference is for those round butter-flavored crackers, again the    low-sodium kind. I can devour a sleeve of those and still eat a full meal. Children love fish-shaped crackers with artificial cheese flavoring. Multi-grain crackers are nice, but seem almost too fancy for everyday use. There’s a different cracker for everyone. What’s important is your crackers and making sure they’re always available.

My most vivid memory of saltines comes courtesy my maternal grandfather, for whom I’m named. Grandpa was on disability by the time I was born, having hurt his back working for the Rock Island railroad. As a result, he took a lot of medicines to manage his pain and associated ailments. Some of those medicines required eating something before taking the pill in order to prevent nausea. One dose came at bedtime and since it just didn’t make any sense to eat anything heavy, Grandpa would typically slice off a chunk of longhorn cheddar and put it between two saltines. That was just enough for the pill to do its work. There were other times, often around lunch, when he would open a can of Spam® (yes, people actually do that), cut off a slice and put that between crackers. If he was feeling patient he might fry the Spam, but more often than not he just ate it as it was, straight from the can. Saltines were grandpa’s crackers and I think of him every time I see on.

For this project, we crumbled a single sleeve of saltines, going for that fine consistency one gets when the little cracker package one gets with the salad at a truck stop is handed to a two-year-old. While crackers don’t weigh a great deal, they are still subject to the laws of gravity and this is one of the sets we shot with the model standing rather than lying down.  Of all the different substances we tried, crackers spread the most evenly. We tried a couple of different kinds of crackers, but saltines provided the most contrast and recognizable texture.

Look around your kitchen; chances are you have a sleeve or a box of crackers sitting somewhere on a shelf. If you are one of my sons, you have a sleeve sitting next to your computer. Your crackers are what gives life to other boring foods, such as simple cheeses or processed meats. Your crackers leave a trail of crumbs to help us find you should you become misplaced (or hiding because you’re two and have pooped your pants). Your crackers fill the culinary cracks where one needs texture without noticeable taste. Most importantly, though, your crackers are your crackers. No one else can eat your crackers without permission. Should you choose to share your crackers, you are a nice person, but we understand if you don’t. It’s probably nap time, anyway. Brush the crumbs off your shirt and lie down. Your crackers will be right here when you wake up. Have a good nap.