What may seem unconventional can be the boost a relationship needs
Rough sex. Have you tried it? If you haven’t, you may be in the minority, especially if you’re in the 18-45 age group. Even before the book Fifty Shades of Grey first excited passions in 2011 (yes, it’s really been ten years), an increasing number of young adults, and especially a surprising number of women, were drawn to a rougher, more aggressive form of sex. The trend only continues to grow and with it a wider variety of options than your parents ever considered.
First, let’s be clear about one thing: the term “rough sex” does not imply a lack of mutual consent. Both sides must agree to the activity and what it involves or else it is still sexual assault. Every time.
Rough sex can be anything from role-play to forceful kissing to BDSM and bondage. And while there is often an element of pain that many people find exciting, pain isn’t a necessary element. Dirty talk, aggressive sexting, demanding tones can be just as much a turn-on as more physical elements.
A paper in Evolutionary Psychological Science looked at the topic of understanding aggressive consensual sex and found that “Men and women alike reported that it tended to be more arousing and that their orgasms were more intense. Women reported reaching orgasm faster… faster orgasms might be part of the appeal of this activity to women.”
That last bit is important. For millennia, women have had to put up with men finishing first and leaving them unsatisfied because, as a gender, men are pigs. If the hard thrusting action of rough sex bridges that pleasure gap then why wouldn’t women enjoy it?
There’s also the fact that pain and pleasure stimulate the same part of the brain. Nope, not kidding. There’s a paper on that as well. When pleasure and pain are combined in the same activity, assuming that activity does not involve a fear element, the level of physical and emotional excitement more than doubles, causing us to what to repeat that activity more regularly.
There has been a surprising amount of clinical and scientific study on the whole pleasure/pain connection, a lot of it done here in Indiana, and all find that there are positive outcomes to enjoy. The caveats are that intentions must be clearly communicated beforehand, that either party is able to stop the activity at any time without repercussion, and that attention is paid afterward to things like cuddling and softer, tender words and touches.
But you didn’t come here for the sex lesson, did you? You came for pictures. One perspective is shown in the video at the top of the page. Below are the individual stills. Click on any thumbnail to view the images full-screen on your device.
[tg_masonry_gallery gallery_id=”18006″ layout=”contain” columns=”3″]
Don’t Trust The Messenger
For much of the past month, I’ve been getting ads between YouTube videos for a set of speakers, all of international origin, trying to get me to invite them to my church to talk about sexual trafficking. They claim that if they can come to my church, together we can help eliminate the horrible global problem of sexual trafficking. The ad shows photos of them speaking against a black background, laid over some random crowd shot that could have just as easily been a basketball game.
There are many problems with this ad. First, I don’t have a church and I did its regular attendance number would be around three, on a good day. Second, none of the names were recognizable and there was no way to check their credentials. Third, the photo felt fake. The solid black backgrounds matched too perfectly. Nothing was defining about the “crowd” to legitimize a specific location. Fourth, there were no endorsements from well-known third parties, such as UNICEF. I don’t know if you’ve worked around legit NGOs, but I assure you this is not how any of them work.
Then, one of the first things I read this morning was this headline:
Philippine court orders arrest of religious leader with ties to Duterte
The article centers around a megachurch pastor, Apollo Quiboloy, who calls himself “owner of the universe” and “appointed son of god.” He is charged with sex trafficking and sexual abuse of a Philippine woman. The Philippine court reversed a 2020 decision dropping the charges because the victim in this case continued to press the matter, making it impossible for the court to deny her charges.
Quiboloy also faces charges in the United States of sex trafficking based on accusations of coercing girls and young women to have sex with him. He is on the FBI’s “Most Wanted” list.
And this is why the church cannot be trusted to actually do anything to end sex trafficking. Sure, they make a lot of noise about it, and it’s become an election-year rallying cry for right-wing congregations who are sure that governments as responsible for the problem because, are you ready… Epstein. However, churches are not in the policing business, are they? Consider a few highlights:
And yet they want to be the ones who put an end to the very activity that has been one of their core interests for centuries? Let’s not forget that these same organizations supported slavery for over 400 years. They were adamant that by taking black people out of godless Africa they were helping to save their souls. Are we really going to fall for this trick again?
There’s no question that sex trafficking is a problem, but religion is absolutely not the way to solve it. First of all, churches have no legal authority outside the confines of their own addled minds. They can’t go running around internationally taking on the bad guys and putting them in jail. One doesn’t just walk into a sex trafficking operation and shut them down without a lot of authority, and usually a lot of firepower. This is dangerous work that needs to be carried out by professionals, not a group of folks with questionable divinity degrees.
Another huge issue is that the church’s mission of forgiveness lies in opposition to the legal need for punishment and restitution. We don’t need anyone cornering a bad guy and letting them off with a warning that “if you say 34 Hail Marys and promise to never do it again, we’ll let you go. Solving the problem of sexual abuse and sex trafficking first requires that people listen to the women and children who tell them what is going on, and believe what they’re being told. The church cannot be trusted to do that. They’ve never done it before, so why would anyone in their right mind trust them now?
Sex trafficking is rampant around the world for a number of reasons. Not only is there this long-standing problem of not listening to women, but it is far too easy to escape capture simply by moving from one country to another. There’s little cooperation between law enforcement authorities around the world, even in places where they share borders. Even if people are kidnapped in China, for example, getting sex trafficking charges in the US to stick is difficult because a) some of the people wanted to come to the US in the first place, and b) the Chinese government isn’t terribly cooperative in taking victims back or filing charges on their end.
Without a universal law enforcement agency that has the ability to make arrests regardless of a person’s country of citizenship and a court that can actually enforce international law promptly, all manner of international crime falls between the legal cracks. The bad guys succeed because international law is broken and toothless. These are the same empty laws that allow smugglers, drug dealers, and spies to get away with their horrible acts. Until there’s some stronger enforcement around the globe, there’s not a lot to stop the bad guys.
One thing that could work is responsibly legalizing sex work. I know a lot of conservatives, and especially religious conservatives don’t like having this conversation because they don’t want to understand human sexuality, but there are at least four benefits to legalizing sex work.
Other things we can do include addressing poverty, the lack of opportunities (especially being able to move between countries freely), and inequality. These are all critical to effectively combating sex trafficking and abuse.
Several states now require that signs be posted in businesses that say something to the effect: “If you or someone you know is being forced to engage in an activity and cannot leave, whether it is prostitution, housework, farm work, factory work, retail work, restaurant work or any other activity, call the National Human Trafficking Hotline.”
Human trafficking isn’t only about sex work. The high demand for farm work and low-wage warehouse work are perfect conditions for human trafficking because there’s little public interface or knowledge of the situation. I am aware of one instance from two years ago where traffickers attempted to push warehouse work that required a lot of walking and lifting onto a 74-year-old Senegalese woman who could barely walk without assistance, couldn’t lift, and had severe breathing problems. The argument for human trafficking was, in my opinion, one of the most obvious I’d ever seen. Yet, the management at the warehouse didn’t want to report the incident because of the high number of “good” workers the “agency” provided.
We don’t need the church involved in solving human trafficking. We need real laws that stick and the international clout to enforce them. Until we have that, poor and desperate people around the world remain in danger.
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