And more rain. It rained off and on throughout the day before mixing with sleet and snow toward the evening. Walking across the yard feels like walking on a sponge. Most of the day was spent in bed and even when I did manage to force myself to stay up I felt miserable. I couldn’t sleep most of the time; I just curled up in a ball under the covers. This is a horrible existence that feels like it will never end.
Finding things that I can eat is becoming more difficult. Yesterday, there were sufficient leftovers from Tuesday, which were leftovers from Monday. Today will be more challenging. There’s still no milk, margarine, or bread. I may have one full pot of coffee left. There’s nothing simple to make for breakfast or lunch and those are the meals when I am at my weakest. Standing at the stove and cooking is rarely an option. Don’t get me wrong, there is food in the house, but either it contains too much sugar, too much salt, or takes too long to prepare. Having to thaw an entire two or three-pound package of meat just for lunch is impractical.
I miss doing lunch. I miss a really good cheeseburger and fries. I miss a perfect cheesesteak with the onions grilled just right. I miss baked potatoes with everything on them. I miss fried chicken with mashed potatoes and greens. I miss barbecued beef tips. I miss hashbrowns, scattered, covered, smothered, and topped. I miss the Chinese buffet that has actual Asian people in the kitchen. I miss pet-friendly breweries with all the dogs coming in to say hi. I miss Chicago-style pizza. I miss Italian food served family style. I miss real food that didn’t have to be modified with sugar substitutes or no salt or no fat or low carb or fake milk. I miss sitting around a table laughing with friends.
Looking over that list, it feels almost as though I’m missing some of the best parts of life. I mean, what’s really left at this point? I’m having difficulty making sense of any of it. I’m going through all this suffering but there’s no promise that I’ll ever get back any of the joys I’ve lost. What’s the point of living if there’s no life left? Please, help me make sense of it all.
Kat went and visited her niece yesterday, the one I’ve not seen since she was brand new. She’s toddling now, jabbering, and reading books. She has hair and a delightful personality. She’s at an incredibly fun age, but I can’t be there. The risks for the baby are too high.
Three of the kids of birthdays this month: Ben, Tipper, and Big Gabe. I can’t travel to see Ben or Gabe. Tipper’s having a girls-only lunch on her birthday. We’re supposed to have a family dinner a week later, but there’s no way to know if I’ll physically be able to attend. If it were held today, the answer would be no.
Fuck cancer. Fuck chemo. It’s been over a year now and nothing feels like it’s getting any better. Nothing.