Guys don’t need to spend thousands of dollars to get ready for fall, they need to hunker down and get ready for the glory of winter.
So, we’re surfing through Business Insider the other day, making sure we hadn’t missed something important like the 16-year-old selling sneakers, when we came upon this profound article about 13 essentials every guy needs for fall. Being early in the morning, before the second cup of coffee had a chance to kick in, I carelessly clicked the link. Guys, if you’re falling for articles like this, you might be a moron.
All these articles want to do is get you to buy stuff. Expensive stuff. Stuff that gives your wife/girlfriend/significant other a reason to say things like, “We don’t we go to that party at my cousin Emma’s Saturday night? You can wear that new stuff you bought.” We both know you don’t want to do that. Don’t set yourself up for the trap.
Dude, the whole reason we have a fall season, besides the football, is so we can get ready to hibernate and do nothing all winter! The last thing you want to do is go buy a bunch of stuff that implies you might actually accomplish something between Thanksgiving and May. So, we’ve kindly taken their list and compared it to what you should really have for winter. Do these things and you will not only be happier, you’ll still have some money in your wallet.
They say flannel, we say sweater
Flannel shirts are all the rage in men’s fashion right now. The problem with that is flannel shirts are work shirts. Put on a flannel shirt and someone is going to want you to do something more strenuous than walking that bowl of chips from the kitchen to the couch.
Instead, we suggest a nice, comfy sweater. You know, the kind with a big collar and buttons down the front. You probably already have one in your closet and if not your local second-hand store has plenty of them. Don’t worry, the soup stains wash out. Sweaters say you’re comfy and shouldn’t be disturbed. They’re also great for cuddling as long as you wash out those soup stains first.
They say puffy vest, we say warm blanket
There are a bunch of Canadian geese missing a bunch of sweaters. Puffy down vests have been a thing for a couple of fall seasons now. Not only do they imply work, but they are so totally cliché at this point. I mean, if you already have one someone bought you I suppose it’s okay, but to go out and drop over $100 on something like that is just going to get you into trouble later. Besides, you know how much beer you could buy with that money?
No, you don’t need a puffy vest. You need a nice, warm blanket, the kind your grandma used to tuck around you when you weren’t feeling well. Warm blankets are safe and if you have enough of them you can build a totally cool fort in the living room, which is okay now that you’re allegedly an adult. No one’s going to yell at you or ask you to put your blanket on and go rake leaves. A blanket is totally the safer call on this one.
They say dark wash jeans, we say thermal underwear
Faded jeans were in for a while. Then, someone told you to get those jeans that already had holes in them. Now, they want you to have solid jeans that stay dark after you wash them. Why can’t anyone make up their minds? Jeans are jeans. They’re supposed to be comfortable and you already have 30 pair, half of which could stand to be washed. And again, jeans imply work, or at the very least, getting out of the house.
If you’re really smart, what you’ll go with is a good set of thermal underwear. Remember this is all about getting ready for winter. Those 30 pair of jeans are all broke in and comfortable, but they’re also full of holes, some of which are a little embarrassing if certain members of the family are around. Thermal underwear keeps you from showing things you shouldn’t and helps cut down on the draft from all those holes. You can generally pick a pair up for around $20, which is a helluva lot less than new jeans.
They say a chronograph watch, we say a four-year-old
I’m guessing they only included this on the list because someone in the watch business couldn’t convince them to buy any of the Rolexes he had in his pocket, so they cut a deal. I have a watch. I paid $1 for my watch. It keeps good time and has to be wound rather than depending on one of those tiny batteries. We also have our cell phones. We don’t need to spend a thousand dollars on a freaking watch.
If you have trouble keeping up with the time, we suggest you get a four-year-old. Anyone who has one will happily let you borrow the little monster for a couple of weeks. They’ll constantly ask you the time, requiring you to look at your cell phone, or the computer. You’d look at the microwave but you never did figure out how to set the time on that thing. The child will constantly keep you aware of the time, especially how much time is left until you can return them.
They say a long-sleeve striped shirt, we say learn to cook
Business Insider wants you to buy a long-sleeve striped shirt, the kind that makes you look like a third-rate deckhand on a pirate ship. While being a pirate kinda sounds like fun, we all know it’s better to be the Captain than a deckhand. Deckhands don’t get an eye patch or a cool parrot on their shoulder. There really is no reason for this shirt.
Instead, we suggest you learn how to cook. There are a couple of good reasons for this. One: you’re hungry. Always. You can’t even remember the last time you weren’t hungry a little bit and delivery isn’t available at 3:00 in the morning. Believe me, I’ve tried. Learn to cook and you’re set. Two: being able to cook makes you incredibly attractive. Women don’t generally like to cook anymore and if you’re into guys chances are they’re just as bad at it as you are. Being the cook in the house makes you valuable and popular. An apron is sexier than that striped shirt, anyway.
They say fun socks, we say thermal socks with heaters
Who the fuck even put fun socks on the list? Is this really a thing? Fun socks draw attention to your feet and dude, those things aren’t pretty and they damn sure don’t smell like a flower garden. Do you really want people paying attention to your feet this fall? No, you don’t.
Your feet might get cold during the winter, though, and if you’ve had a girlfriend over the winter before you know how freezing her toes are from September onward. She touches your feet with those icicles and you damn near jump out of bed every time. Thermal socks are the answer, and if you live someplace where it gets really cold you might want the kind with the heat sticks in them. We know how cold those winter nights can be. Far better it is that your feet keep warm than look cute.
They say lace-up dress boots, we say slippers
Sure, lace-up dress boots look sharp in that hipster way of looking sharp without actually looking sharp. The problem here, again, is that they’re too nice for just wearing around the house. They imply that you’re going out, being social, taking someone to dinner, possibly proposing. Do you not see the trap, dude? Stay away! Don’t go there!
Now, a nice pair of slippers, on the other hand, let’s everyone know you’re in for the evening, or the weekend, and that you’re quite comfortable with exactly the way things are. Nothing needs to change, except maybe the television channel. Slippers also go with that whole keeping your feet warm concept. They’re not exactly a fashion statement, but your recliner didn’t come with a velvet rope or ask for ID. You’re good.
They say anorak, we say girlfriend
Since when did we start calling rain coats anoraks? Is this another one of those hipster, “What they’re actually called …” things? They are adult rain slickers, my friend, and no matter what you call them you’re still going to look silly wearing one. Besides, if it really gets cold where you live, you need a parka, not plastic coated twill. An anorak only makes you look and sound pretentious.
We suggest you get a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or maybe one of each, we don’t care. We’re open like that. If the weather is nasty enough to require a rain coat, you need someone to keep you warm and dry, someone who can snuggle with you and keep you feeling safe. You need someone who might make you pancakes, or oatmeal. You want someone who likes hot cocoa as much as you do. Can an anorak do any of that? No, we don’t think so.
They say chino, we say pajama pants
Chinos? Really? Dude, do you want to look like you’ve been whipped already? The snow hasn’t even started flying yet. What are you doing with those hipster things on your legs? No. Don’t go there. You know better.
Pajama pants. Now we’re talking. You know damn good and well you’re not getting up off that couch. Let someone else take the kids to the corn maze, both the SEC and the Big 12 have some powerhouse football teams this fall. Pass the dip. There’s no reason to put on real pants for this.
They say Bluetooth headphones, we say crank the volume
So Apple did away with the headphone jack. Big fucking deal. I have had a pair of wireless headphones over a year. You know what? They’re annoying. They are constantly getting interference and cut out if I wander too far away (more than five steps) from whatever is playing music.
Why the fuck are we using headphones in the first place? I don’t get this whole trend about walling yourself up and not letting other people hear what you have playing. Hell no. Drop the headphones and crank the volume, dude. Don’t be ashamed of whatever gets your groove going. Whether it’s Marley or Parliament Funkadelic or Perry Como or the ISO, crank those sounds. Let the neighbors hear you. There’s no reason to hide the sounds.
They say suede loafers, we say you have too many shoes
Suede loafers? Are they kidding? Suede is the most useless fabric for footwear ever imagined. You can’t wear those things anywhere! Bump the slightest thing and their scuffed. The attract dirt. They’re easily stained, and they’re impossible to keep clean. Elvis might have had his blue suede shoes, but he’s dead. No one in their right mind wears these things anymore.
Besides, have you taken a look in your closet lately? How many pair of shoes do you actually need for those feet, dude? Cut it back to four, maybe five if you’re athletic (really athletic, not someone who is always going to get around to it). You keep wearing the same ones over and over anyway. No sense wasting your money on more.
They say pullover sweater, we say get a dog
Oh, now they want you to get a sweater. Not a cool, practical cardigan, though. No, they want you to get a pullover so you can mess up your hair every time you put it on or take it off. Plus, putting it on or taking it off requires lifting your arms and covering your head. Are you aware of how many bad things can happen with your head covered and your arms up? First, there’s the smell. Then, your shirt comes untucked revealing your all-too-pale beer gut. Finally, dude, you’re in danger: YOU COULD BE TICKLED! Say good-bye to your self-esteem!
A dog is such a better idea. A dog doesn’t judge. A dog doesn’t tickle you when you’re not looking. A dog keeps you warm at night. A dog doesn’t judge your music choices. A dog doesn’t make you look like a pretentious prick. A dog lasts more than one season, too. Fall is a good time to get a dog.
They say rugged briefcase, we say Netflix subscription
Stop and think about all the reasons why you might need a rugged canvas briefcase. None of them are good, are they? If you need something rugged, that means you’re out in a rugged area, quite possibly doing rugged things. Rugged is not comfortable, especially in the fall when it starts getting chilly. Rugged probably means you’re missing the ballgame. What are you supposed to be carrying in that thing anyway? Sounds like work.
We think you’re better off with a Netflix subscription. You can binge watch other people pretending to be rugged while you sit on the couch with another beer. You don’t need to be rugged. Rugged is dangerous. You could get hurt. The last thing you want is to spend fall in a cast. Movies are much safer.
Fashion guides in magazines have one purpose: to sell you stuff you don’t really need. Fall is a time to be comfortable, to save some money so you can afford a trip to someplace warm come January. You don’t need new jeans or a new watch to go kicking through the leaves with someone special. Kick back, be cool, and let it all ride. You’re fine. Enjoy fall.
Well, except for that pumpkin spice shit. Stay away, dude. Just say no.