Not only is taking nude pictures not damaging to one’s career goals, you might become First Lady of the United States!
[Editorial note: What we are presenting below is political satire. Under NO circumstances do we support shaming anyone because of how they choose to express themselves. We consider nude photography a beautiful form of artistic expression and strongly encourage everyone to consider the experience. However, given the political climate, we couldn’t pass up this opportunity to have a little fun. We hope you can laugh with us. -cil]
DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES?
A new standard of expectation has been set! Posing for and publishing nude photographs are a must if you want to achieve the ultimate goal of being the First Lady to a vagina-groping, sexual assaulting dictator-in-chief!
Sure, it’s not easy to achieve such a lofty goal. Only a few can hope to ever reach such heights of infamy. However, if you’re going to latch on to someone whose ego is so large they think they can rule the world then not only do you have to have great social skills, everyone needs to know how hot you look under that slinky Versace dress! We have just the program for you!
ENROLL NOW IN OUR EXCLUSIVE FIRST LADY PREPARATORY CLASSES!
Topics covered in our private, never-leaked-to-TMZ classes include:
- How to write a speech by borrowing someone else’s words
- Modeling without a green card
- The art of smiling when you’re dying inside
- Excuses part 1: knowing when to believe them
- Excuses part 2: how to create your own
- Fending off unwanted advances from the Senate Majority Leader and other creepy old men
- Looking innocent during your husband’s impeachment hearings
Each class is taught by experienced professionals who’ve been putting up with government S.O.B.s for decades. You won’t find a better set of experts anywhere!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
Each class participant gets their own eXclusive nude photo shoot with our award-winning photographer!
Often derided and looked down upon by those snooty establishment types, having a quality set of nude photos distributed to the press is critical to your success as First Lady to a Despot! Let everyone know who is actually running the show by demonstrating exactly how you captivate and control the minds of weak men. Visiting dignitaries will completely ignore every other bureaucrat in the room just for a chance to stare longingly at your cleavage! Once you have their gaze, you can grab them by the balls (or any other anatomical feature of your liking) and negotiate peace on YOUR terms!
Avoid The 2018 Rush and ACT NOW!
Sure, the current fascist is supposed to be in office for four years, but nothing’s ever guaranteed in this business. After all, these are all OLD men we’re talking about. You never know when their little excuse for a heart might give out! There are many things that could cause the position of First Lady to suddenly become open.
Naked Is Normal
There’s a Hefner back at Playboy and so are the nudes
The Short Version
About this time a year ago, a couple of very stupid people were in charge of Playboy® magazine and somehow managed to convince founder Hugh Hefner and the suits in the front office that doing away with the magazine’s legendary nudes would be good for business. As we predicted at the time, the fools are gone and neither are with the company any longer. Now, Cooper Hefner, Hef’s son, is in control of the brand and guess what: the nudes are back with the March/April issue.
A little bit of background
We wrote about this matter extensively last year when the decision was first announced. There was no question in our minds at the time that the decision was foolish and would devalue the brand. We were fairly certain that this was the death knell for the magazine. Our articles, in order, were:
We tried to make the case from every conceivable angle, and maybe a couple that were inconceivable, that they were making a mistake. Do you think they listened? Of course, not. But then, the idiots who were in charge back then, Scott Flanders and Cory Jones, both have a well-established record of not listening and driving organizations into the ground. Can we really be surprised that they did exactly the same thing with the legendary Playboy brand? No, we shouldn’t be.
Where we are now
Flanders et. al., didn’t last long. Rizvi Traverse, the investment company that owns a majority saw the bottom line immediately plummet even deeper into the red and gave the whole bunch the boot. They installed Ben Kohn, manager of the firm’s Los Angeles office, as interim CEO and then proceeded to replace pretty much every other editorial and executive position in the company. Once that was done and all the details of the continuing failure were considered, they came to an important conclusion: bring back the nudes.
Who best to do that? A Hefner, of course. This time, it’s Hugh’s son, Cooper, who is taking on the responsibility. They started last year putting together a whole new layout and are finally ready to make the new cover public:
At the same time, Cooper tweeted this:
This is a good move. This is the move they should have made a year ago. I fail to understand why it took them so long to figure this out, but what’s important is that they’re making the correction now. Hopefully, it’s not too late.
Of course, even this move doesn’t guarantee the magazine’s success. While I fully expect the current issue to fly off newsstands with no problem, it will take more than a gimmick to keep people buying the magazine month after month. Not only will they need articles that are current and not self-serving, but they’ll also need to tie the print version more closely to their online offerings and coordinate the two with extreme precision. Condé Nast would be a good example for them to follow.
The road to success may be more trying and full of risks now than it ever was when Hef was in charge of Playboy. At least they are starting off in the right direction.