How To Tell The Difference
Self care is a popular piece of what I call hashtag philosophy. While the topic is a legitimate form of psychological study and treatment, its popularity exceeds its actual scholarship and far too many people (in my opinion) are claiming self care around activities and actions that do more harm than good, for themselves and others. As a result, when someone claims they’re acting out of self care, others are more likely to respond dismissively than supportive, diminishing any benefits.
We all have elements of self care to which we have to attend. Here are some of mine:
- Drinking at least 46 ounces of clear, non-caffeinated, non-carbonated liquid. This is necessary to prevent dehydration caused by the chemo.
- Resting whenever I feel tired, not because I’m lazy but because the chemo, and the CLL itself, leave me exhausted and unable to function at a normal level.
- Severely limiting the amount of sugar I consume. I’m Type 2 diabetic and that complicates the cancer treatment.
- Exercising caution in the amount of public interaction I have. Having CLL and being on chemo means having practically zero immunity to anything, despite vaccinations. Spaces that are too crowded or being confined with someone who is ill are situations I try to avoid.
- Avoiding strenuous activity. Lifting heavy packages, chasing the dogs when they escape, or anything else that might put my physical body under duress can cause an adverse reaction, including high blood pressure and/or increased risk of heart attack.
My situation drives my self care needs and those needs, in turn, are the basis for the boundaries I set. Whether those needs are met is almost exclusively my choice. Even when the dogs escape, I’ve learned that running after them is typically not the most efficient response; it leaves me winded, and I’m putting myself in danger. The dogs will come back once they’ve had their little romp. If I choose to ignore a self care boundary, I do so knowing the risks.
However, actions I undertake to keep myself safe and healthy should not get in the way of the fact that I am, as we all are, part of a community. My community is considerably smaller now than it once was due to my limitations, but regardless of the situation, my self care should not cause me to lose empathy, impose undue restrictions on others, avoid responsibilities, or make unreasonable demands.
I saw a meme recently that said, “Telling your partner where you are, who you are with, what time are you coming home is not being controlled, it’s RESPECT.”
I don’t necessarily disagree (despite the fact it’s a poorly phrased expression). Clear communication of expectations is necessary for a healthy relationship. However, to demand absolute adherence to that statement is a) presumptive, b) lacking in trust, and c) aggressively controlling. If one is demanding this information of their partner at every juncture, they’re being manipulative and potentially abusive.
For example, my partner is not home as I write this. I know where they probably are and who they probably are with, but if they’re not where I think they are, I’m not going to get upset. They are an adult. They know how to set their boundaries. I’ve seen them walk away from situations that are physically or emotionally threatening. I’m not their parent. I don’t need to know what they’re doing and who is keeping them company every minute of the day. If I were to start texting them or calling them demanding to know all the little details of their life, I’d be an asshole.
This topic is top of mind at the moment because I’ve been made aware of multiple situations where genuine assholes, one of which I formerly called a friend, are exhibiting narcissistic behavior and calling it self care. I didn’t want to say anything until I’d at least checked for literature on the topic. Turns out, there’s almost no literature, especially from peer-reviewed sources of any authority.
What I did find was a self-published article by a Cape Town, SA psychologist, Joan Swart, titled “The Dark Side of Self-Care.” I’m not qualified to confirm anything she says, but there are a couple of statements I think bear quoting.
“The line between self-care and narcissism can become blurred when the practice of self-care devolves into an obsessive focus on self. When an individual is so engrossed in meeting their own needs that they start neglecting the feelings and needs of those around them, self-care starts morphing into narcissistic behavior. This could manifest in consistently prioritizing personal needs over those of others, even in situations where others are in a state of greater need.“
…
“This tendency of avoidance can seep into emotional processing as well. Self-care activities, if employed as a constant escape route from tough emotions, can inhibit emotional growth. A person might turn to yoga, meditation, or their favorite TV show each time they experience sadness or anxiety, seeking distraction rather than confrontation. While these practices can offer temporary relief, they may not address the root cause of these emotions. Over time, this could result in an accumulation of unresolved emotional issues, leading to more intense emotional distress.”
Again, I’m not a clinician nor do I possess the credentials to pass authoritative judgment on Dr. Swart’s article, but I see a lot there that rings true based on my anecdotal experience.
One particular ongoing situation of which I am aware is a couple who share two young children. Earlier in their relationship, she had a decent-paying job, a house in her name with the title clear, and her own transportation. He brought little more than companionship and sperm count to the relationship. Now, with the kids both of school age, she is no longer employed, does not have transportation, and is financially responsible for all utilities and food. He has a decent-paying job and transportation via a company vehicle. Common sense dictates that he participate in paying a portion, if not all, of the utilities and food.
Instead, he spends over $300/month for cigarettes and soft drinks for himself, nothing for groceries, and only $10 since October 2023 for utilities. The house is such a mess that there is a possible cause for the children to be removed from the home. He comes home from work and plays video games. That’s it. His excuse? Self care. “I’m tired. I need a break. I work, I shouldn’t have to do anything else (such as take care of the kids).”
See the problem? His concept of self care has dissolved into a level of avoidance and narcissism that is endangering both the relationship and the children.
Given all the pitfalls, (Dr. Swart outlines a few quite nicely) one might wonder what the difference is between healthy self care and unhealthy behavior. Let me give you a few examples. SC = self care, UB = unhealthy behavior.
SC: I need x hours of sleep so I create an environment for myself that facilitates that with minimal impact on others.
UB: I need x hours of sleep so everyone better shut the fuck up and leave me alone so I can get it and it’s your fault if I don’t.
SC: I have medically necessary dietary needs. I purchase my own food and if necessary prepare it separately so as to not impose upon the desires of others.
UB: Coffee and soda are prohibited in this house because they’ll make me sick and irritable. Don’t you dare bring that stuff in here!
SC: I have social needs so I make arrangements with friends to meet up in ways that accommodate both of our schedules.
UB: I don’t want to leave the house, it makes me anxious. Why don’t you ever come over to visit?
I’ll assume that’s enough to make my point. With true self care, the responsibility for my needs is mine. I don’t expect or demand others to go out of their way to meet my needs. I am empathetic to the needs of others and do not impose my limitations inappropriately.
Taking care of yourself is a necessity. So is being responsible for yourself. Don’t be the asshole who makes your self care everyone else’s problem.
Editorial note: The decision to not hyphenate Self Care was intentional because, in my opinion, it does not meet the the grammatical qualifications for hyphenation.
Personal note: Writing this has severely taxed my mental acuities this afternoon. I started thinking I was coherent enough to make an intelligent statement. By the time I was halfway through, I was having to look up several words that are a normal part of my vocabulary because I couldn’t remember them. This is part of the fun of being on Chemo.