It is always with excitement that I wake up in the morning wondering what my intuition will toss up to me, like gifts from the sea. I work with it and rely on it. It’s my partner. —Jonas Salk
I hate that stupid Greenday song. Curse Billie Joe Armstrong for having written it. Curse the stupid video which is entirely too long and much too depressing. Of course, I have both the song and images from the video stuck in my head whether I want them there or not. They’re driving me nuts.
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? How does this song help me in any way other than as a reminder that, oh yeah, we’re about to enter  the fourth quarter so any goals we had set for the year we either complete now or pretend we never brought them up. Here it is the end of September. Before we know it the snow will be flying. There are things we need to get done.
There Goes The Neighborhood
Looks like the whole planet may be ending its September phase. The news that the atmosphere has surpassed carbon levels of 400 ppm (that’s parts per million for those of you who slept through science class) definitely puts us in that range of being glad I need to pay my AARP dues. While the number really is more symbolic than anything, it is a wake up call that we might want to start looking for alternative places for our grandchildren or great-grandchildren to live. They certainly won’t be hanging out on this planet in a couple hundred years or less.
SpaceX and Tesla CEO and probably the closest thing we have to a real-life Tony Stark, Elon Musk, seems to think colonizing Mars is our best bet. On one hand, I would like to think that if anyone can actually pull off that project it would be Stark, er … Musk. At the same time, though, the difficulty he has had with some of SpaceX’s rockets recently, especially that one mysteriously blowing up on the launchpad, give me a moment’s pause. With all due respect, I don’t want to be heading to a new home and end up having elementary schools named after me. I’m not that hero.
We need to figure out something, though. September is typically the lowest month for atmospheric carbon dioxide. The situation gets worse from here. I know I wouldn’t plan on buying any beachfront property anytime soon unless you’re looking at, oh, maybe Middle Tennessee. Maybe Dollywood can add a beach resort in a few years. That would be fun, wouldn’t it? Yeah, let’s run with that idea.
Arnold Palmer Died, So Did Golf
Actually, the game was on life support before the legendary golfer hit the eternal 19th hole this week. I’ve never been a huge fan of the game largely because I’m not any good at playing it and also because it is one of the most stupid sports to ever be televised. Watching maple sap dripping from a tree trunk would be more exciting and at the end you could make syrup. The Scots were cursing us when they invented golf. That’s the only reasonable explanation.
Major equipment providers are ditching the sport, though, because it’s not “connecting” with Millennials. Rounds of golf played are down. Attendance at tournaments is down. There’s no money to be made there anymore, at least, not like there was when Boomers discovered the sport some 40 years ago. Arnold Palmer was a big part of the golf explosion of the 70s. As he sits down at that eternal watering hole for a round of his favorite drink (lemonade and ice tea carefully prepared and mixed), he’s joined by an entire generation that once thought golf was really cool. They’re all dead now. No one living gives a fuck about the sport.
The question facing club owners now is what to do with all that land full of sand and random holes once no one is interested in wasting whole days standing out there either getting sunburned or avoiding lightening. Might this not only spell the end of golf, but the end of those pretentious members-only clubs that have long been bastions of racism, elitism, and bigotry? More than we could do without the sport, we definitely wouldn’t miss the dismissive attitude. There was a rainbow over Palmer’s home town after his funeral. Maybe that’s a sign.
Good-bye Wonder Woman Fantasies
You know the world has changed when you wake up one morning and find that Wonder Women is definitely queer. Actually, she’s just not that into the entire male gender because they don’t exist in her home of Themyscira. Lead writer for the series, Greg Rucka, confirmed as much in an interview this  week. He explains it this way:
It’s supposed to be paradise. You’re supposed to be able to live happily. You’re supposed to be able — in a context where one can live happily, and part of what an individual needs for that happiness is to have a partner — to have a fulfilling, romantic and sexual relationship. And the only options are women. … But an Amazon doesn’t look at another Amazon and say, ‘You’re gay.’ They don’t. The concept doesn’t exist.
Of course, we know plenty of women who wouldn’t mind if the concept of men didn’t exist. That’s another wake up call we should probably answer at some point. We have also known for sometime, in the back of our minds, that there was no way Wonder Woman could really be that into guys. To come from Themyscira to the US would have to be rather like being condemned to a hell full of mysoginistic, sexist assholes. Our brains know that but our groins haven’t wanted to admit it. Time to wake up from the fantasy, boys. None of this world’s Wonder Women are looking for anyone with a penis. Get used to it.
Time To Move On
The end of September is a sign that we have got to move on, dude. Summer’s frivolities are nice, but they don’t last forever. They shouldn’t last forever. We need to wake up and get some shit done. We both know we need to drop a few pounds before the holiday food binge starts. Don’t tell yourself any more lies, the pumpkin spice cravings are just the first warning sign. Hit the gym now so you can enjoy the guilty pleasures later.
Oh, and if you’re not dating anyone, now’s the time to fix that problem. You know your mom is going to be so very disappointed if you show up at another Thanksgiving with your lame roomate in tow. He burps too loud and his fart jokes aren’t funny. Wake up, download a half-dozen dating apps and get busy. You know you’ll dump whomever by Valentine’s Day anyway. Is it so bad that you take a few months to make your mother happy?
Someone needs to write a new song about September. Eleven years and I am so very sick of this one. Wake up. Let’s get going. We can still turn this year into a win. Maybe. At least save it from being a complete disaster. Not voting Republican helps. Eyes open? Here we go.
12/14/16: 5 Things You Should Know
Dipping The News In 40-Grade Sarcasm
Welcome to hump day, where the Midwest hopes its collective ass doesn’t freeze off and folks in the Northeast are checking out igloo design plans. It’s cold outside but the news is hot. So hot, in fact, that we’re avoiding talking about Aleppo because the situation there is changing so quickly this morning that anything we say about it is going to be wrong 30 minutes later. Actor Alan Thicke, the dad on Growing Pains died, by the way. And the whole Russian hacking thing is downright spooky.
We’re not talking about those things this morning, though. Why? Because people are stupid and we have to guard against stupid people before they ruin everyone’s lives, especially when the stupidity reaches the higher levels of government. We normally wouldn’t disparage our leaders quite to this degree, but what they’ve done in the past 24 hours is a bit over the top.
We start this morning talking about babies.
1. Country girls need to sober up
Once upon a time, the stereotype of a country girl was that she was sweet, innocent, and hard working. Well, you can just put that characterization on the shelf because it’s much more likely that she’s drugged out of her fucking mind, doesn’t know what she’s doing, and her baby is paying for her choices. Urban women are having much healthier babies and it’s not necessarily because they have access to better healthcare.
What’s going on? Research published Monday shows that the rate of drug-dependent babies has jumped a whopping 80 percent in rural counties since 2004.1Â Increased opioid use, which is an increasing problem nationwide, is largely to blame. Addicted mothers are more likely to spend what little money they have on drugs. They’re less likely to work and less likely to receive a sufficient level of prenatal care because of their drug use.
Pediatricians are talking about something called “Neonatal abstinence syndrome,” which typically occurs while the fetus is still in the uterus. Newborns not only suffer from dangerously low birth weights, but also tend to have seizures, fever, and tremors. Doctors are having to use methadone on babies, tiny little newborn babies, in order to wean them off the fucking drugs!
On what planet is this situation acceptable? Don’t look to the government for help. Congressional Republicans can’t cut funding for health care fast enough. Even if they did keep funding in place, government policies on drug use and abuse have been misplaced for over 30 years. They don’t know what they’re doing. We need a better drug policy quickly before our infant mortality rate starts to resemble that of a third world country.
2. Getting Government Out Of The Womb
I am absolutely shocked at the number of stories popping up this week regarding abortion and a woman’s choice. Just in case you’ve never met me, let me be very clear on where I stand: if you’re not a woman capable of having children, you just need to keep your fucking mouth shut. You don’t get an opinion, you don’t get a voice, because it’s none of your fucking business. Government, especially, has absolutely no business dictating when, where, or under what conditions a woman should or should not have a baby. This is a woman’s choice and any interference with that choice is wrong.
Yet, state legislatures especially just keep tossing abortion laws up there and getting them knocked back down by federal courts. Yesterday, Ohio Governor and former presidential candidate John Kasich had two such bills on his desk. One was the controversial “heartbeat” bill that would have outlawed abortion as soon as a heartbeat was detectable, as early as six weeks. He vetoed that one, which was exactly what he should have done. However, before you go giving the governor a pat on the back, you should know that he signed a 20-week abortion bill, furthering the war on women and their bodies2.
In Oklahoma yesterday, the state supreme court tossed a law requiring abortion clinics to have doctors with admitting privileges at nearby hospitals3. This is good news, though I can promise you there aren’t that many abortion clinics in Oklahoma to begin with. Still, a win is a win, right? Hold on. At the exact same time, the state’s Department of Health says it’s considering new regulations that would force hospitals, nursing homes, restaurants and public schools to post signs inside public restrooms with information about abortion alternatives4. The signs would read:
There are many public and private agencies willing and able to help you carry your child to term and assist you and your child after your child is born, whether you choose to keep your child or to place him or her for adoption. The State of Oklahoma strongly urges you to contact them if you are pregnant.
We have a six-year-old in our house who is in first grade and catching on to reading rather quickly. She reads everything, especially signs. Do I want her going into the restroom at a pizza place and seeing that sign? Hell no!
Not only that, the agency isn’t providing any funding for the signs. Those hospitals, nursing homes, restaurants, and schools are going to have to pay for those signs out of their own pocket. If the signs aren’t there, it is a health code violation and the facility can be fined or possibly even closed.
I have to stop my rant here because I’m out of time, but this is one of the most stupid things I’ve ever seen Oklahoma do, and trust me, I’ve seen them do some really stupid things in the past few years.
3. The Poor Don’t Get To Retire
One of the things the Department of Labor has been touting over the past year has been the reduction in the unemployment rate since the Obama administration took office in 2009. Statistics for the month of November show unemployment continues to decrease, falling to 4.6 percent5. However, what’s buried deep in those statistics is an alarming fact that 18.3 percent of the workforce is part-time. That particular little stat has only dropped less than two percent, from 20.1, since 2010. Sure, people have jobs, but they’re making shit wages and having to run from one job to another just to make ends meet.
There are many downsides to part-time employment, but long-term one of the biggest disadvantages is that these people typically don’t get benefits. They don’t have access to any kind of an employer-sponsored 401K or any other retirement plan. And even if they did have access to those plans, they wouldn’t have enough expendable income to be able to participate. We’re talking about people who already make so little money they have to worry about keeping the lights on, the kids fed, and a roof over their heads.
Sure, they’re paying into Social Security, but Republicans in Congress are doing everything they can to steal that money from us. Just yesterday, the Associated Press reported that Rep. Sam Johnson of Texas, the chairman of the House Ways and Means subcommittee on Social Security, introduced a bill that would raise the retirement age and decrease benefits for a large number of seniors6. Congress seems to routinely forget that Social Security is not an entitlement program. Social Security is money we paid into the system with every freakin’ paycheck we’ve ever earned. We deserve every last dime of it, with interest.
This is yet another sign of how completely blind Congress is to the needs of the poor. Why we keep electing the bastards I don’t know.
4. Don’t Light That Candle
Candles are big business this time of year with all the holiday decorations and everything, but if you recently purchased one from the Yankee Candle Company, you might want to take it back before you risk lighting the thing. The candle company has announced a recall of some 31,000 candles due to what it calls a “laceration hazard7.” Apparently, when one lights the candle the glass around it breaks.
Now, before you go snatching up every candle in the house, you should know that the recall only applies to a select group of candles sold between September and November of this year. However, you won’t find any mention of the recall on their website. Nowhere. We looked. Â And while the whole “laceration hazard” thing sounds really dangerous, no one has actually been hurt. The candles don’t shatter, they crack.
While we don’t want to question the authenticity of the recall, the way Yankee Candle is handling it makes it look more like a stunt to get people back into their stores before the holidays. You go to return the candle, and not only do you get a replacement, you’re likely to pick up two or three more while you’re there. Maybe it’s just me, but this has a shady feel to it that dampens my holiday spirit (as if I actually had any).
5. And Finally …
Wonder Woman has gotten the boot from the United Nations8. The 75-year-old comic book character was presented back in October as the UN’s honorary ambassador for the empowerment of women and girls. However, there were a lot of people who didn’t exactly agree with that move. On one hand, the UN was giving a dominant voice to a character owned by a for-profit company, as it so happens, has a movie about this very character coming out in the near future. There seemed to be some ethics blurring here. Others, to no one’s surprise, were upset because of how they view Wonder Woman’s costume, which we might kindly refer to as “voluptuous.” Let’s be honest, there have been a lot of adolescent boys over the years who had wet dreams about having a Wonder Woman in their lives. Freud would have a field day.
The problem with the sudden dismissal of Wonder Woman from her honorary position is that it reeks of body shaming. Wonder Woman is too curvy, her outfit is too revealing, and therefore she is unfit to be an example for women and girls.
Bullshit. The real problem people have, and have always had, with Wonder Woman is that she’s a strong, independent female who defies the norms and kicks the boys’ asses on a regular basis. Wonder Woman doesn’t give a shit what you think about her body or how she chooses to dress, and that bothers a lot of people, especially men who happen to dominate the UN. Just how afraid are men at the UN afraid of women? In the recent search for a new Secretary General, the UN bypassed seven, count ’em, seven women, who were fully qualified and settled, once again, on a man.
Maybe pairing with a character from a for-profit company wasn’t the greatest of ideas, but the world needs to get over this fear of strong women, or any woman for that matter. Stop perpetuating the myth that attractive women aren’t as intelligent or as worthy or as strong as anyone else. We have to be better than that.
And with that, we’re out of time for today. There is still so very much more that I could probably continue for another 30 minutes. Be careful where you get your information, though. We’ve seen a lot of fake news in this cycle as well. Watch your sources. Stay warm out there and have a good day.
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