The wheels have come off reason and the laws of physics muted. If Donald Trump is indeed going to be President, we have to assume anything can happen next.
Like many people, we’re still trying to wrap our heads around exactly what happened this week and how that is going to affect our future. Will we even have a future beyond mid-February? Everything seems incredibly uncertain, frightening on many levels, and leaves us totally disoriented and confused.
Reason, apparently, has taken a holiday. The laws of physics have been muted. If Donald Trump is our president-elect, and there seems to be very little chance of avoiding that outcome, then we have to assume that the same lack of logic, absence of reason, and denial of the physical order of the universe applies to everything else as well. If that is the case, then there is truly no limit to what could happen next. I mean, look, we’ve already seen the Chicago Cubs win the World Series! Who saw that coming? No one in Cleaveland, I’m sure!
We have to assume, as frightening as the prospects now seem, that the next four years are likely to be full of the impossible. While that leaves the door open to some really horrible things, we would like to think that perhaps some good things could happen before reason returns and sets everything back to the way it should be. I’ve tried to keep my imagination in check a little bit, but then I remind myself that a year ago we didn’t expect Trump to even survive the primaries. Everything’s on the table, folks, which means anything could happen.
Smoking is actually good for you
No one born after 1970 is likely to believe this, but prior to the U.S. Surgeon General’s warning against the use of tobacco in 1964, everyone smoked, including doctors. There were even ads in popular magazines where “doctors” touted the “health benefits” of smoking. You know, thinks like calming anxiety and curing depression. Then, someone figured out that the cigarette companies were lacing the tobacco with nasty chemicals and that the damn things cause cancer. This is why you likely don’t know too many people born before 1940—they’re all dead.
However, in this new reality of ours, I fully expect someone at one of the tobacco giants to come up with a way to replace the bad chemicals with good chemicals so that smoking actually becomes the most reliable cure for cancer rather than a direct cause of the disease. You’ll stop seeing that pesky warning that no one reads and a new Joe Camel cartoon is set to debut on NBC next fall. Everything is hunky dory and the new cigarettes smell like daisies. Life is wonderful.
Cleaveland Browns Win The Super Bowl
The city of Cleaveland has long been known for its group of really bad sports teams. All that bad luck seems to be changing, though. Sort of. The MLB Indians are the Hillary Clinton of baseball this year. At least they made it to the World Series, right? And how about those Cavs? They’re getting the young NBA season off to a good start with a division-leading 7-1 record. So, this could be the year for the hapless Browns to return to the playoffs and take the Super Bowl, right?
I hope you believe in miracles. The poor Browns currently hold the NFL’s worst record for the season at 0-10. Any other year and fans would just stay home, or try trading their Browns tickets for Cavs tickets on some 3 for 1 deal. But hey, if Donald Trump can be president, then whose to say the Browns can’t come back in the latter part of the season, win all their remaining games (they play Dallas this afternoon), and dominate the Super Bowl! Folks in Cleaveland just have to believe! It almost worked for the Indians!
Everyone forgets George W. Bush was president, goes down in history as a painter
Back when reason and logic still applied to the universe, most people knew George W. Bush as the 43rd president of the United States. However, inside this new reality, no one thinks of Mr. Bush in political terms at all. Instead, he is much better known for his portraits of wounded warriors. Okay, so they just happen to be soldiers who were wounded while carrying out the former president’s own diabolical orders, but that minor fact is conveniently swept under the rug and only brought out for the most soever of bar-room trivia challenges.
Mr. Bush has long enjoyed painting, and if his mommy and daddy hadn’t pushed so hard for their children to go into politics he could have chased after his dream of being an artist much earlier in life. Just think of the thousands, if not millions of lives that would have been saved had Mr. Bush simply painted the portraits of Afghan children rather than bombing them. With a political past as ugly and brutal as George W’s, such an artistic whitewashing of history is likely to be just what is needed to get his work hung in the National Gallery. We’ll forget about all that nasty war stuff. Life is beautiful.
Zombies are real and they prefer chocolate pudding
Everyone already likes the idea of zombies. We just never really wanted them to be real because of that whole eating your brains thing. We don’t seem to have any problem with the walking stiff and losing one’s vocabulary. If zombies weren’t murderous beasts, then we’d love to have them over for dinner. If Donald Trump can be president, then why can’t zombies be cool? After all, that whole brain thing is simply because someone got the reanimation serum wrong. Tweak a few things here and there and I see absolutely no reason why we can’t have zombies who prefer chocolate pudding instead of brains.
Granted, if zombies make as much a fuss over chocolate pudding as they do for brains then the refrigerated aisle of your local grocery store is going to be a perpetual mess. Zombies apparently lose use of their motor skills as well, so I’m not sure they would do all that well with a spoon. The good folks at Kraft Foods are probably going to want to reconsider repackaging those ready-to-eat pudding cups and make them a bit bigger. Pudding pops might need a redesign as well. Still, wouldn’t it be nice to know that your favorite undead neighbor can be so easily placated? Who knows, maybe they’ll all turn a nice shade of milk chocolate rather than that putrid green.
The Pope disavows Christianity and converts to Buddhism
Citing the constant infighting and religious fear-mongering among Christians, the Pope has announced plans to completely disavow Christianity and take up Buddhism instead. St.Peter’s basilica will be turned into a Buddhist temple with yoga and meditation classes held weekly in the Vatican courtyard. “This whole god-thing just wasn’t working out for me,” the Pope says. “There were too many rules and regulations and as I get older I have more trouble remembering all the names of those damned saints. Buddhism is much easier and I still get to hide my pasta gut under loose robes.”
Not everyone is likely to be pleased by this turn of events, however. The Dali Lama could be quoted as saying, “Hey, Buddhism is my gig, man! Stay over on the Western side of religion, dude. We don’t want your kind in the East.” The overall effect, however, is rather pleasant as former Catholics stop worrying about confession and put their efforts into developing a more comfortable yoga mat. The mass meditation allows more people to come to peace with Donald Trump’s presidency.
Bob Dillon is beatified as Saint Bob even though he isn’t dead
With the Popa having abdicated and gone over to Buddhism, the Nobel Prize committee took on the task of beatifying new saints. In their first official meeting, the committee decided to make Bob Dillon the next American saint. When asked exactly what Dillon did to deserve such an honor, the committee cited the miracles of his continued ability to stand upright for more than 15 minutes and whatever magic it is that allows anyone to understand his song lyrics without being stoned off their ass. After thinking about it over a highball or two, critics agreed that Saint Bob makes as much sense in this new world as the award for poetry the committee gave Dillon earlier this year.
Mr. Dillon, however, still refuses to answer the committee’s phone calls. In fact, Dillon remains largely unseen except when popping up for the occasional concert in Madison Square Garden or on pieces of toast in Brazil. One associate of Dillon’s record label sent a note to the Nobel committee asking if the beatification came with any super powers, such as flying or the ability to carrying a recognizable tune, but the committee has yet to respond.
Climate flip-flops make Minnesota the nation’s premiere beach destination
While president-elect Trump is working hard to find a way out of the international climate change treaty, the actual climate decided to take matters into its own hands and flip-flopped, making Northern states warm while Southern states such as Florida and Texas are left shivering until multiple feet of snow from November until July. As a result, Minnesota, with all its thousands of lakes, is now the resort capitol of the world. Retirees and college students have been flocking to the state faster than condominium and beachfront hotel construction can be completed.
While this sudden shift in both climate and population caught native Minnesotans off guard, they’ve generally taken the changes in stride, increasing their production of dairy products and importing Amish from Pennsylvania to help with the resort barn raising and such. However, the change has not helped attendance at local Lutheran churches, who have been in a quandary now that they no longer have weekly arguments with the Catholics.
Women assert their power and become dominatrixes
While publicly decrying the misogyny and sexual assault found in the poorly written best-seller Fifty Shades of Grey, women have long enjoyed the sexual fantasies contained in the book. They have taken a special interest in those related to the BDSM fetish but have been reluctant to let any man have that kind of control of their bodies. So, in response to Donald Trump become president, women across the United States have all decided to answer their power and become dominatrixes. Fashion houses everywhere are attempting to respond to this new authoritarian shopper with lines of clothing made of vegan leather.
Men, on the other hand, are shaking in horror. Having long mistreated women for generations, the thought that they now all have access to whips and chains doesn’t seem nearly as exciting to men as it did when they were watching porn. Many men have gone missing, with most presumed to be hiding in Canadian logging camps. Women have vowed to chase them down, however, and force them to build a wall to which they can all be chained. Some fear this move could emasculate the Trump administration, but Melania has firmly told everyone that they shouldn’t worry.
Vice President-elect Pence dies in toilet paper accident
Long known as one of the biggest turds in the Republican party, vice president-elect Mike Pence was touring the Koch Industries plant that makes Quilted Northern toilet paper when a large spool of the stuff mysteriously slipped off its roller, suffocating the Indiana governor in three tons of quilted softness. No one at the plant was able to explain exactly how the accident happened, but one worker did say that a stray cat had been seen wandering around the premises of late, randomly knocking items off tables for no apparent reason.
While janitorial staff worked quickly to clean up the mess, some workers complained that there were still brown streaks left on the floor and that it was impossible to get the putrid odor out of their work uniforms. The Koch brothers denied any responsibility for the event, saying that they merely manufactured the toilet paper and had no control over how it was used. President-elect Trump says that he plans to sue just as soon as he gets over this current bought of diarrhea.
Space/Time continuum rips apart, Michelle Obama becomes president
Unable to handle the severe stress of a Donald Trump presidency, the space/time continuum rips apart, destroying reality as it currently exists and resetting order to the universe by installing Michelle Obama as president of the United States. Within minutes of having done so, the earth began to heal, rainbows were seen on every corner, and all military operations came to an end. At the same time, production of vegetables more than tripled. Yoga was declared the national exercise program and floral arrangement is now the best-paid career position in the world. Children around the world suddenly realized that their parents have been speaking to them all these years and are trying to learn their language, though some are still having difficulty with commands such as “stop,” and “put that down.”
With Mrs. Obama as president, reason now dominates all matters of policy both public and private. Corporations behave with logical responsibility. However, most of Wall Street was sucked into a giant wormhole along with the Trump administration. No one has seen or heard from them since. Of course, no one is actually looking for them, either.
See, if Donald Trump can become president of the United States, anything is likely to happen. While I’m not going out on a limb and saying anything like what we’ve mentioned here is actually possible, if anything like this does happen at least you’ll understand why.
Now, take another Paxil and have a good day.
5 Things You Should Know: 12/18/2016
https://youtu.be/6PRETGoM1I0
Partially frozen, never faked
Welcome! This is Sunday morning, December 18. We’re desperately trying to get a grip on things here as we’re now only one week away from both Christmas and the first day of Hanukkah. The prophet’s birthday is tomorrow for all our Muslim friends. The stores would be packed if the entire Northern United States weren’t under a sheet of ice this morning. We’ll talk more about that in a little bit. What’s important is that everyone stays warm and safe as much as possible. We’ll try to keep you informed with what’s going on.
The president-elect is still making more cabinet and senior advisory appointments, there are conflicting reports coming out of Syria as to whether people in Aleppo are actually able to leave safely, and apparently Saturday Night Live was a real hoot. I wouldn’t know, I was already sound asleep. We have confirmed and verified five things you need to know, though, so let’s take a look at those.
One nation, under ice
We’ve been talking about snow and ice for a few days now, but the weather is very much dominating the news this morning as yet another wave of snow and ice fell across the Northern half of the United States yesterday and early this morning. So far, the storm is being blamed for at least nine deaths yesterday, though that number could increase as investigations are continuing1.
While there were pileups and backed up traffic all the way from Colorado to Maine, the biggest seemed to be along I-95 where reports of anywhere from 55 to 70 cars were involved in a pileup that killed at least two people. Indianapolis police reported over 500 accidents before 8:00 yesterday morning with at least two deaths there as well. The weather has created a mess all across the country that has caused a number of holiday plans to be canceled for this weekend. Exactly how bad this will affect last-minute holiday shopping remains to be seen, but it certainly isn’t good news for retailers who were already struggling to end this year on a positive note.
Don’t think the South got off scot-free, either. From Missouri down through Mississippi there were severe storms and threats of tornadoes yesterday afternoon and throughout the night. While there have not yet been any reports of death, there has been considerable property damage.
Weather like this is enough to dampen even the most stalwart of holiday spirits.
A problem with the water
Everything being cold and wet across the Eastern half of the country reminds us of just how much water has been a factor in news stories this year. Both Detroit and St. Joseph, Louisiana continue to struggle with finding clean drinking water, and this week we added Corpus Christie, Texas to the mix2. In case you missed it, a chemical leak is to blame for a ban on any use of water coming from the public water supply in the city of over 300,000 residents. This is so bad, that officials there say even boiling the water isn’t good enough. Bottled water has been brought in and is being distributed.
What we’re hearing now, according to the Associated Press, is that city officials had three warnings prior to this current catastrophe. In fact, Corpus Christie Mayor Dan McQueen, who just took office this past Tuesday, won his position in part by campaigning against the previous mayor’s inability to handle water problems in the city. Officials are hoping that test studies released later today will determine the exact source of the chemical leak. An asphalt plant has been the culprit before, but the city also has a problem with aging lead pipes.
Across the country, the deteriorating conditions of public water systems initially installed in the 1940s and 50s are giving way and pose a serious health threat. Unless Congress acts and provides a serious amount of funding to repair these systems, I fear we could see even more water safety issues throughout the next year.
On your mark, get set …
I’ve heard a lot of people say that they feel like running away, whether because of the political climate or financial pressures or just the challenge of trying to survive. A number of people wouldn’t mind strapping on their running shoes and taking off.
Well, if you can hold on a couple of months, you might be able to get those shoes custom fitted. Adidas has startedselling their 3D-printed shoe in limited release3. For now, if you want a pair of the shoes, you have to order them through the Adidas Confirmed app. Then, when your shoes are ready, you have to be able to pick them up at the Adidas flagship store on Fifth Avenue and 46th street in New York City. You’ll also be paying $333 for the privilege of wearing these state-of-the-art sneakers.
This is a huge move for both the footwear and fashion industries. Designers have been working with 3D-printed clothing and materials for a couple of years now, and both Under Armor and New Balance released their 3D shoes earlier this year. Adidas has significantly larger market share, however, and could easily dominate the market if they are able to get 3D shoes into high scale production quickly. Adidas says this is the first step in being able to provide “customized shoes based on an individual’s footprint – including their running style, foot shape, performance needs and personal preferences.”
With custom-fitted shoes, running may be a lot more plausible.
An insult is a good thing
Around the world, magazines and other periodical publications have struggled to remain profitable in an increasingly digital age. Magazine publisher Condé Nast, who owns brands such as Vogue, GQ, and Brides, has certainly seen its share of problems and has even shuttered some publications and moved several to online-only strategies. However, they may have accidentally hit on a new strategy that could save them all.
Earlier this week, Condé Nast magazine Vanity Fair published an absolutely scathing review of the new Trump Grill in New York4. In fact, the headline on the review reads: “Trump Grill Could Be The Worst Restaurant In America.” Now, I’ve eaten in some really bad restaurants and at least three of them were in New York. So, to say the Trump Grill could be the worst in America is really quite something.
Unsurprisingly, the president-elect didn’t like that review too terribly much. He responded with a tweet, as he tends to do, saying, “Has anyone looked at the really poor numbers of @VanityFair Magazine. Way down, big trouble, dead! Graydon Carter, no talent, will be out!” If the president-elect held any respect among the American people, that could have been a death knell for the magazine. But he doesn’t and it wasn’t.
Vanity Fair told Adweek5 that subscriptions for the magazine were 100 times the amount they typically sell in a day, setting a record for the number of subscriptions sold in a single day for any Condé Nast publication. The review has had more than a million views online and Vanity Fair’s Twitter followers increased by more than 10,000. Not bad for a “dying” magazine.
Of course, what Condé Nast has to figure out now is how to get the president-elect to issue similar insults for all its brands. One of the best marketing concepts for 2017 may be getting a diss from the new president.
Is all hope gone
The effect of Donald Trump’s insult toward VanityFair underscores not only a severe lack of respect for the president-elect, but a general feeling across much of the United States that we are entering a phase of the country’s history where the president acts without regard to the people on a regular basis.
The current First Lady, Michelle Obama, gave voice to that emotion when she taped an interview with Oprah Winfrey for CBS and the Oprah Winfrey Network that airs this week. Here’s a clip from that interview:
Mrs. Obama’s words struck home:
See, now we’re feeling what not having hope feels like, you know? Hope is necessary. It’s a necessary concept. And Barack didn’t just talk about hope because he thought was just a nice slogan to get votes. He and I and so many believe that what else do you have if you don’t have hope? What do you give your kids if you can’t give them hope?”
The clip has been shared widely since its release this week with a large number of people identifying with the emotion that the First Lady describes. As the nation prepares to inaugurate the 45th president of the United States, it does so knowing that his victory occurred only in the Electoral College and is not reflected in the popular vote nor popular sentiment.
Mr. Trump responded Saturday night to the clip, saying, “she made that statement not meaning it the way it came out.”
We’re out of time for this morning. We’ll have more pictures and possibly a long read later today, so be sure to check back or, better yet, subscribe so that you don’t miss anything! Stay warm. Stay safe. We’ll see you tomorrow.
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