Cognition failed me yesterday afternoon. There was more to talk about, but my head couldn’t make the words work. This has been happening more frequently in the past month. My ability to sit down and write articles of reasonable length is leaving me. Life is cruel. Cancer is cruel. Chemo is mean. I’m beginning to understand why so many older people spend their days watching television. The mind is barely able to put together a sentence here and there. Television makes one feel that they’re still part of the conversation even when they can’t find the words to say anything.
I tried talking to Kat yesterday morning and failed. At least, I think it was yesterday; it could have been Thursday. Still, I couldn’t find the words to start a conversation. We just sat there in silence, which is normally okay, but after a few minutes of trying and not getting my brain to work, I went back to bed. That seems to be the only place where I don’t consistently fail.
Let me correct that last statement. I don’t fail at going to bed if I’m the first one there. If the Gang of Five (or more) has already landed, trying to find space to wiggle in between them without getting hissed at is challenging. The dogs will move if they’re awake. If they’re asleep, they’re just heavy bags of concrete that are impossible to relocate. The cats, on the other hand, will defend their territory. I have the marks to prove it.
A week without milk, bread, or margarine. I just made the last pot of coffee this morning. Kat doesn’t get paid until Wednesday. We still have plenty of beans and rice. That will keep us alive.
Finding motivation is increasingly difficult. The kids are old enough that they don’t need a lot of supervision from me. The animals only need me when they’re hungry. I don’t have anyone hounding me for pictures. No one’s taking me to coffee. What reason do I have to do anything except sit here and watch YouTube shorts?
This existence is killing me. How am I supposed to do this, make anything work in my head, be more than a lump of hardened clay? I need interaction with someone interested, not faking it.