You don’t have to have a hard-on to bungee jump.—Andrew in Humpday (2009)
I have had a Nina Simone song stuck in my head the past few days and it won’t leave. I step outside, look up, and it’s there:
Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by you know how I feel.
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life for me yeah
… And I’m feeling good.
It really is a lovely song, but when you look up and realize that those birds you see flying up there are actually turkey vultures, then you get a slightly uncomfortable feeling that maybe we’re not feeling so good after all.
Happy Humpday. This is the last day of Paris Fashion Week. We’ve already reviewed the new Louis Vuitton collection this morning, which was rather cool. Only one more to go and we’re done until February. We can do this, right?
Oh, wait, the kids are home for fall break. There’s no napping today. Instead, we’ll have to do something creative like bake cookies or draw pictures. They helped me make peach cobbler yesterday, which didn’t go too badly. The results were edible. Fighting over who gets to measure the next ingredient gets a bit tiresome, though. Maybe I can convince them to take a long walk.
I don’t mean that as evil as it sounds.
How do we make the most out of Humpday? I know Kat’s struggling, too. Wednesdays can be really rough. We’re still too far from the weekend. Additional stimulus is necessary if we’re going to avoid killing someone. What ever shall we do?
A Little Bit Of Day Music
How anyone makes it through a Humpday without music I don’t know. When we hit this point in the week it takes some serious sounds to keep me moving. Does it really matter if I dance like a one-legged ostrich? No, not at all. We need some serious sounds in our lives to keep us going. Here are a few suggestions:
Love To Love You Baby, a song by Donna Summer on Spotify
All The Gold In California, a song by Larry Gatlin & The Gatlin Brothers on Spotify
Purple Lamborghini (with Rick Ross), a song by Skrillex, Rick Ross on Spotify
Drive, a song by The Cars on Spotify
Feeling Good, a song by Nina Simone on Spotify
Yeah, you know I had to slip that last one in there. It really is a cool song. Just try to not think about the vultures.
A Little Light Reading
You know how Wednesdays can be, sometimes you need to just step away before things get violent. The problem is that you really don’t have the time to get immersed in a good book. Someone has to do all the work that no one else is touching. You’ll also need to fix the fuckups that were left for you. There’s no way you can sneak off for the entire afternoon. What you need is something short and distracting. Do we have suggestions, damn straight we do. These are about as distracting as we could find.
You might start with What Sex Means For World Peace. No, it’s not scandalous. This is real foreign policy talk going on here. If we want world peace we need to focus more on women’s rights.
… the very best predictor of a state’s peacefulness is not its level of wealth, its level of democracy, or its ethno-religious identity; the best predictor of a state’s peacefulness is how well its women are treated. What’s more, democracies with higher levels of violence against women are as insecure and unstable as nondemocracies.
If that doesn’t work for you, then perhaps you can try something a little more provocative such as A Professional Sex Toy Tester’s Guide To Buying A Vibrator. Why? Consider this:
Why, if existing rabbits and dildos are doing such a good job at getting us off, do we need more? “As women become more comfortable with the concept of using toys, the technologies and materials that we might use to create them develop too,” says Jaques. So there’s always room for a new favourite to make its mark. At Lovehoney, they hold regular “gap analysis” meetings,where the boardroom walls are plastered with hundreds of polaroids of their current toy range to identify what’s missing. “We also look to other industries and markets for new ideas,”explains Jaques. “You’d be surprised how many of our toys have been inspired by a power tool or communications device.”
Now, some of you take Humpday rather literally, so for those of you in that camp, I might suggest 11 Ways to Make Doggy Style Even SEXIER. Nope, I’m not going to comment.
A Little Light Exercise
You don’t want to overdo it, of course, but getting out and taking a walk really isn’t a bad idea. Yeah, there may be a chance of rain late this afternoon, but for most the day the temperature is going to be lovely. Getting out of wherever for a minute or two gives you a chance to step away from the stress and the people causing it and breathe. You don’t need to work up a sweat, mind you. That could make things uncomfortable for the rest of the day.
Again, it’s that whole going-back-to-the-office thing that you have to keep in mind. A gentle stroll for ten minutes or so, roughly the same amount of time someone else might spend smoking a cigarette, should be just about right. You can then go back in with a clearer head and power through the rest of your Humpday without any serious problems.
Of course, the ultimate experience here might be to walk to the nearest coffee shop and grab a cup. The walk, the caffeine, the fresh air, all sound like the perfect recipe to keep your hands off the throat of that lazy, no-good … uhm, well, you know who.
We Can Do This
We’re strong. We’ve been through weeks worse than this and survived. Only two more days after this one and you have the weekend. Or something. If you don’t have the weekend, there’s surely a break for you out there somewhere. Look for it. Set a goal. You’re getting closer with every passing second.
And if that doesn’t work, I have a shovel. We’ll bury the bodies and pretend nothing ever happened. Happy Humpday.