I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.—Erma Bombeck
Move over, Cosmo, you’re not the only website who can use cheap and tawdry sex headlines to get people’s attention. The difference between our list and those you’ll find elsewhere, though, is that we’ve undertaken years of personal research so we could offer solutions by telling you, with expert authority, what not to do. My only caveat here is that if you are related to me, especially if you’re one of my sons, STOP READING NOW! There are some things family doesn’t need to know.
As for today’s picture, this one is a little over ten years old and remains one of my favorites from when I first moved to Indianapolis. Lovely, open people like this just don’t come along too terribly often and once she moved on there wasn’t anyone to fill the void she left. C’est la vie.
Meanwhile, we have a silly list to which we must attend, which, if nothing else, is better than standing in some stupid line out in the freezing cold:
8 Solutions To Lousy Sex
Stop getting out of bed so damn early to go shopping.
Seriously, where are your priorities? You could actually be in bed, snuggled up with the one you love, ticking that special spot they love, leading up to the best sex ever. But no, instead you are totally wasting your time out in the cold standing in some stupid line and even if your lover is right there with you, this is not sexy and not romantic in any way, shape or form. Geeze. Loser.
Cut back on the food you know gives you gas.
Flatulence is a natural bodily function and to some extent we can’t keep it from happening. However, when you load up with buffalo wings, cheese sauce and cheap beer, what do you think is going to happen? All that garbage you just ate is like shaking up a soda bottle; the gas is going to explode! Why would anyone want to get close when they know that’s going to happen? Why would you even want to do that to yourself? Gross.
For all that is holy, try taking a shower.
While the amount of grooming one does is totally a personal matter, being clean is not and is definitely a reason for lousy sex. In fact, your smell may be keeping you from having any sex at all. Worth noting: this includes those of you who apparently bath in cologne. Stop. It’s not attractive. The best fragrance with which you can greet your lover is fresh soap. Give it a try sometime.
Stop trying all the positions you see on Pornhub.
You do realize porn sex is different from real-world sex, don’t you? Those crazy positions they get in are designed to give the camera a better angle and more light, not for comfort. If you need help with positions, perhaps you should add the Kama Sutra or similar books to your holiday shopping list. Better yet, grab them online and have them shipped so you’re not seen carrying them around in a store; that can be a bit creepy.
Try A Little Tenderness.
Careful, things are rather sensitive down there! Some of the most embarrassing emergency room visits come from putting something down there that doesn’t belong, and yes, that includes hot food. If you’re that damn hungry get a plate. For both men and women, the skin in the groin area is extremely sensitive and no, it is not sexy when you put something stupid down there. This includes champagne and liquor. Don’t do it.
Pay attention to what you’re doing.
I never have understood people who try to watch television or text on their phones while having sex. If you’re that disengaged from that act, you’re not going to have a good time; you’re just going through the motions. Actually paying attention to your lover not only helps the sex, the entire relationship benefits. Explore. Find those auto-erogenous areas above the waist. See how much things improve.
No one wants to have sex with a partner who is coughing up a lung or gasping for breath after three minutes. In case you’ve not figured it out yet (and some of you haven’t), sex is an extremely physical activity. Being healthy and in shape factors significantly in your ability to have good, enjoyable sex. And yes, this includes not being overweight. Why? Strenuous physical activity puts stress on your heart. Dying during sex is not acceptable.
Try using a real, live partner every once in a while.
Please tell me I don’t need to explain the benefits of this one. Seriously, though, it’s not going to happen if you don’t get out of that chair, away from in front of the computer, and try meeting people. Clean up. Act nice. Don’t be a douchebag. This is allegedly the time of year for miracles and you’re due. You can thank me later.
We probably could have made this list a lot longer, and I certainly know some people who could use the instruction. I don’t want to overwhelm you, though. Start with these and perhaps we can add more later, when you’re ready. Who knows, you might start the new year happy.