The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.—Ogden Nash
For the larger part of this year, I assumed I had completely lost this series. The hard drive on which it was originally saved had decided it didn’t want to work with the operating system on the computer. There weren’t a huge number of pictures on there, but there were some that I considered quite lovely, this one among them. Fortunately, after we upgraded systems last month, the drive was magically readable again! Not sure how that happens, but I’m not complaining.
Another thing I lose often is the covers. Someone I know tends to be a cover hog and since one tends to react instinctively when asleep I just let her have them. I am not going to risk upsetting the Marine while she sleeps; somehow, I imagine that ending rather badly for me. When winter hits, beds become the battlefield of relationships and whoever loses either freezes or sleeps on the couch. We don’t want you sleeping on the couch, so that’s why we have today’s list.
8 Reasons To Steal The Bed Covers
You have to get up first in the morning.
Whoever has to get up first deserves to go to sleep first and have the longer uninterrupted sleep, right? The person on the other side of the bed can have the covers during that extra five or ten minutes they stay in bed each morning. You, on the other hand, have to get up and get busy. You deserve to have the covers during the night.
If someone would snuggle more you wouldn’t need the covers.
Let’s face it: body heat is a wonderful thing to share during the winter. Unfortunately, a lot of people have difficulty snuggling; they keep rolling over to the other side of the bed, leaving you alone and cold. Therefore, you deserve the covers to punish them for not being more intimate during a time in your life when what you really need is an all-night hug.
Without the covers, your cold feet go onto your lover’s back.
Our extremities are what lose heat first, even in bed, and that means one’s feet are going to get cold quickly when deprived of the covers. Cold feet instinctively migrate all on their own toward the nearest heat source, which is typically the cover hog’s backside. If they don’t want to be jolted awake by your cold feet, they need to share the covers.
Covers keep you from becoming ill.
Why should you have the covers? Because you’re a delicate flower who is going to become terribly, horribly, and ferociously ill if you get too cold at night. If you’re sick, then that’s definitely going to ruin all those wonderful winter plans you had, including that visit to the in-laws over the holidays. Does your significant other really want you ill over the holidays? Of course not!
You snore louder when you’re cold.
Not that we’re actually admitting that we snore, because you’ve never heard you snore; but, you’re pretty sure that if you were going to snore it would definitely be worse when you are cold. The louder you snore, the less sleep everyone else gets, including the pets. Ask your significant other if they really want to put up with a grumpy Mr. Snickety Lemons in the morning.
You’re grumpy when you don’t get enough sleep.
You need your eight hours of sleep each night or else you’re going to be an unbearable best the next morning. You take going to bed rather seriously and follow a precise routine to make sure you get the optimum amount of rest possible. When your partner steals the covers, though, that upsets the delicate balance you’ve created and you cannot be held responsible if salt somehow winds up in the coffee the next morning.
There are other blankets in the closet, damn it.
You have a big bed and the covers just barely fit over the whole thing even when there is no one under them. So, it just seems logical that your significant other would just grab their own blanket from the closet and let that solve the problem. Well, unless they grab the 115-year-old quilet that your great-great-grandmother handstiched together with her bare hands. That one’s yours; they’d best leave it alone.
No one’s getting sex as long as you are cold.
Science has proven that it is almost impossible to become sexually arounsed when one’s external temperature is below a point of reasonable comfort. If your partner has any plans for being even the least bit fiesty, they’d better let you have those covers. Otherwise, they can just keep those grabby little paws to themselves.
See, you’re totally justified in demanding the covers every night. Now, you just need to make sure that your lover actually sees this list before you go to bed. Maybe if you share it to their Facebook wall and tag their mother that will work. You know the mom-in-law understands.