“It is said that mourning, by its gradual labour, slowly erases pain; I could not, I cannot believe this; because for me, Time eliminates the emotion of loss (I do not weep), that is all. For the rest, everything has remained motionless. For what I have lost is not a Figure (the Mother), but a being; and not a being, but a quality (a soul): not the indispensable, but the irreplaceable.” ― Roland Barthes, Camera Lucida: Reflections on Photography
[one_half padding=”4px 10px 0 4px”]You are not safe. You are going to die. If you don’t believe me, just check any of the clickbait lists on social media expounding upon the many ways in which that just might happen. Everything from e-cigs to orange juice has one problem or another if you ask the right person. The internet has made it possible for bad science, or often no science, to have a voice it really shouldn’t have and the result is fear mongering over issues that really shouldn’t exist. So, here’s a list of all the things that really, seriously, could result in your death.
There’s Someone In Your Life Who Needs The Insurance Money
Sure, you like to think that everyone loves you. Your spouse adores the ground on which you walk. Your parents think you do no wrong. Your siblings aren’t the least be jealous. Your co-workers are proud of your accomplishments. Right. Go ahead and think that. In reality, most murder victims are killed by someone they know, often a family member. The larger your insurance policy, the greater the risk. Be careful with that OJ this morning.
You’re Starving While Searching For Non-GMO Food
I’m still not sure how genetically modified food suddenly went from being the god-send that would end hunger around the planet to the horrible poison that is going to kill us all. There isn’t a substantial amount real science to back up all the fear mongering and political arm-twisting on the subject. Fact is, strawberries as we know and enjoy them wouldn’t even exist without some genetic modification. Same is true for a number of standard foods, which makes it absolutely laughable when one sees them in the organic section of the produce aisle. As the world becomes less hospitable to traditional farming, the choices are likely to be GMO or die. Your call.
When The Polar Ice Cap Melts, You’ll Drown
I recently heard one climate-change denier base his entire argument on the fact that property he owns in Key West isn’t yet under water. The key word there, pardon the pun, is yet. Climate change wasn’t an argument when I was in elementary school. Over 40 years ago we were being taught that as greenhouse gasses increased, the earth’s temperature would warm and the oceans would inevitably rise, eventually dramatically reshaping the continents as we know them now. What has changed is the timetable. Back then, most scientists were estimating that rise would take effect somewhere in the 22nd century. Now, most are saying it could happen in this one. I hope you know how to dog paddle.
You Drive Like A Moron
I no longer drive. What being a passenger the past few years has taught me is that those of you who do drive are nuts. Every day, we encounter so many near-misses that I’m amazed we’re not burying more drivers. The fact that people have actually become proficient at dodging each other should tell us just how bad our driving has become. Driving rules really aren’t that difficult. Stay in your lane. Use your damn turn signal. Slow the fuck down already! Keep your eyes on the road, not your phone. Perhaps most important, though, is that you actually plan your trip so you know where you’re going and know when you need to leave. Traffic is going to suck. Plan on it and maybe you won’t be the reason everyone else is late for work.
The Elevator Cable Broke
I have a habit when I get on elevators. I look for the weight limit and then check the people who are around me. If it appears we might be pushing that weight limit, I get off the damn elevator. I’m not taking that risk. Yes, I know modern elevators have emergency braking systems in case the cable breaks. I don’t trust them. Why? Americans are obese and one place where that creates a real strain is on elevator cables lifting our fat asses from the first floor to the second because we get winded taking the stairs. Breaking cables are inevitable. Go ahead and keep eating like a pig if you must. Just be careful going to your doctor. The cardiac specialist is on the fourteenth floor.
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You Share Needles
Southern Indiana has recently experienced a dramatic increase in HIV/AIDS cases due to one specific problem: needle sharing. Now, while a lot of the political rhetoric centers around the state cutting funding for public health sources, the reality is that if you’re sharing needles you’re just asking to die. Period. I’ll admit that I don’t really understand what drives a person to share needles in the first place; that’s not an addiction that has ever been remotely tempting. I do, however, realize that the problem is ultimately, politics aside, one of your own doing. So, let’s get this straight: if you share needles, you’re going to die and it’s not going to be pretty.
You Weren’t Immunized
Here’s another piece of bad science that has just gotten totally out of control. A recent measles outbreak is evidence of just how stupid some people can be when it comes to the health of their own children. Measles. Really. We had that disease all but licked until a few idiots decided to stop immunizing their kids. Next think you know, children everywhere, especially those who already had some form of immune deficiency, are breaking out with one of the most easily eradicated and totally unnecessary diseases possible. There is no real science behind anti-vaxing, just paranoid stupidity and the end results are lethal. Not immunizing your children is signing their death warrant. The risk is just that real. Stupid.
You Left The Oven On
Haven’t we all been there? We’re driving down the road, 30 minutes or so from home, when we suddenly wonder whether we actually remembered to turn off the oven. Okay, so millennials don’t have this problem because they don’t know how to cook, but older generations understand. There’s always that chance that you left on the oven, which means there could be gas building up inside your own right now, creating an inevitable powder keg. All it needs is the sudden rush of oxygen you’ll make available when you open the door, and boom! You, your house, and possibly even your neighbor’s houses are all going up in smoke. You know it could happen. You’re never really sure. Maybe you should turn around and check now.
I’m not kidding. They’re out there. We’re not talking about the little guys that help Santa deliver presents on Christmas Eve, either. Elves are evil, mean, and waiting to sabotage your every move, your every plan. You never see the little suckers until it’s too late. They tampered with your break lines. They put sleeping powder in the pilot’s coffee. Elves stretch electrical cords across the floor and then make them invisible until you’ve tripped over one. The water on the floor that cause you to slip and fall? Elves. I tell you, man, their everywhere and they’re out to get you. I swear it.
The Bible Tells Me So
And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment. Hebrews 9:27 KJV
Sorry, I’m not making this one up. It’s really there. There’s no getting around it. Nothing you do is going to save your ass. You’re done for you’re going to die. The Bible says so. You’re toast.
Are you scared yet? Are you ready to crawl in a hole and hide? Can we get real for a moment? Sure, we’re all going to die, sooner or later, one way or another. I frequently tell the story of my Uncle Fred who died from smoking two and a half packs of cigarettes a day. He was 96. He didn’t stop smoking until he was 94. How, where and when one dies matters much less than how one lives. You have one life. Are you going to spend it worrying about what might kill you or are you going to spend your life actually living? You don’t have to listen to all the doomsayers on the Internet. You’ll probably live longer if you spend less time on the Internet completely. So go ahead. Defy death. Live. [/one_half_last]