I think I have some anger-management issues, and they end up coming ou tin these passive-aggressive songs that sound happy. —Sara Bareilles
Before fully launching into this morning’s article, I thought it might be best to give just a bit of explanation. Here we are at the end of July and technically, realistically, we still have a month’s worth of summer left. The Autumnal Equinox does not come around until September 21. There will be a lot of hot weather between now and then. Summer, as a natural season, is far from over.
However, school starts tomorrow. Actually, school has already started in a number of places. School administrators in their infinitely feigned wisdom have decided that waiting until September is too long; children fail to retain as much information. Of course, they don’t like it when we ask whether information forgotten over the course of three months was ever actually learned at all. Nonetheless, they have convinced the nation that we need to start school earlier and earlier each year.
Rather than complain outright, which no one would read anyway, I’m taking my cue from a Twitter moment celebrating some of the best in passive-aggressive activities. After all, passive-aggressiveness is how adults in the Midwest deal with things like this, isn’t it? We wouldn’t dare be so impolite as to actually challenge anyone for any reason. That would just be rude.
Back To School
School starts tomorrow. Summer break is over, I suppose. Not that it really matters all that much, you know. I mean, it’s not like we would have snuck in another weekend of camping or anything like that. And we couldn’t afford to go to King’s Island anyway. Besides, some of these afternoon temperatures have made it too hot for the kids to play outside. They might as well be sitting in a classroom pretending to learn something while looking out the window at the bright sunshine. Daydreaming is a sign of a creative mind, you know.
Actually, I’m rather glad that school starts tomorrow. The kids have been getting on my nerves for the past two months anyway. I mean, they keep waking up each morning and get upset if I haven’t fed them breakfast by 10:00. And what’s with all the choices they keep demanding? It’s not like I keep 15 different cereals on the shelves, people. C’mon, this week we have Coco Puffs. Deal with it. I’m not the school cafeteria that magically has sliced fruit waiting for you at 8:00 every morning. I’m ready for a break from the whining.
Yeah, summer might as well be over. I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet of having the kids gone for eight hours a day. Maybe I can finally get something productive done. Lord knows nothing happened over the summer. Editing, writing, or even reading more than a couple of sentences at a time is impossible with these little moochers constantly asking if they can have a bag of chips or a drink of water. They probably weren’t really hungry or thirsty, anyway. They had breakfast, you know.
Back To Productivity
Summer might as well be over completely, I guess. I’ve not accomplished a damn thing the past two months, you know. What with kids underfoot and having to spend all that money on all the extra food they eat. I mean, do they really need three meals a day? I might have actually finished putting up the fence if we didn’t have to buy so much food during the summer. Maybe. Assuming I could find the energy with all that heat.
Heat is exhausting, you know. Zaps the strength right out of you. I mean, hard work is good, I suppose, in moderation. That perspiration thing is a little scary, though. You don’t want to dehydrate out there. Summer does that to a body, that whole dehydrating thing. A person could probably shrivel up like a prune if they were out in the sun too much. So, summer coming to an end a month early is probably healthier for everyone if you think about it.
And, you know, I guess we did manage to keep the lawn cut. Our overly-nosey neighbors weren’t able to complain a single time all summer. Well, okay, they called code enforcement once, but that was back in May, which isn’t really summer or lawn-mowing season. Our stupid neighbors would know that if they’d gone to school in August, probably. August is apparently when they teach manners, too, given that our overly-nosey neighbors have none.
Yeah, I suppose there’s more we might have done with the summer. I mean, we could have probably taken some pictures, but you never contacted me anyway. It’s not like I’m going to be rude and push you to stand in front of my camera or anything. Obviously, I can tell you’re too busy from all those pictures you posted from the beach, and the splash park, and the night club, and the boat on the lake, and that hike in the mountains. You wouldn’t have had time to fit in a photoshoot.
Taking pictures in the summer is such a pain, now that I think about it. You know how it is, with all the bugs sticking to the baby oil, and the mosquito bites that have to be edited out in post, and if it’s too hot, you know, you can’t wear silk because the sweat ruins the material and even dry cleaning won’t get the stain out. And don’t even get me started on how difficult it is to keep makeup in place during the summer. I mean, it’s not Kat’s fault that stuff just drips off your face. They really should make a more summer resistant brand of makeup but I’m sure all those scientists are busy figuring out how to remove the fat from Merle Norman’s ass and other important cosmetic things.
Not to mention the fact that no one I know has been in the mood to do nudes this summer. I think the entire state of Indiana must have been on a two-month period, although it’s difficult to tell since our normal condition is like we’re PMSing. I guess someone has to be bland so that all the other states can look sexy by comparison. Never mind, Ohio and Iowa, you’re welcome. We’re more than happy to make you look good. You really did need the help.
Maybe Next Summer
I’m sure next summer will be better and we’ll make up for all the things we didn’t do this summer. This just wasn’t the right time to do anything fun. With Kat going to school and the kids underfoot, and all that heat, and the dog needed walking, then the kittens needed rescuing, there just wasn’t time this summer. I’m sure next year will be better.
And hey, we won’t have that stupid presidential election thing hanging over our heads next summer, either. We’ll be able to be nice to each other again, maybe.
Yeah, it’s good this summer is over. June and July weren’t all that special and I’m sure August is better with the kids being back in school and our minds back on work. Just think of how much we’ll add to the country’s GDP by not taking vacations in August. We’re actually being patriotic by ending summer now.
We should get a medal.